Jared Kushner Is The Elf On The Shelf

Image: Mark Baylor via Flickr, art by Silvia

JARED is watching as GENERAL MATTIS secures a standing desk onto JARED’s regular desk. The New York Times and the Washington Post both reported earlier this week that JARED’s influence is waning. And it’s true. He does so little at the office, sitting for such long stretches of time, that his back has begun twitching. The standing desk was his DAUGHTER’s idea. She had read somewhere that sitting is worse for you than even sugar and because she’s never eaten sugar in her entire life, she could only presume sitting was very, very bad. Like, whatever STEVE BANNON does to his body, bad. GENERAL MATTIS happily agreed to assist, as manual labor always relaxes him, and war mongering had been stressing him. IVANKA is refreshing her Twitter feed, waiting for her tax cut to roll in. JARED’s phone rings and he answers it. 

JARED [into his phone]: I sleep on my side, why?

[KUSHNER DAUGHTER mouths, “Who is that?” to JARED. GENERAL MATTIS looks nervous for the first time in his life.]

JARED [definitely lying]: A buddy from college. [JARED turns away from his colleagues and speaks into his phone again. He whispers something, and then raises his voice like he’s acting in a school play.] A graphic t-shirt company. Like, we take images of popular gifs or whatever, maybe Christmas ones, and print them on—

[KELLYANNE CONWAY and GARY COHN waltz in. They’re on edge because MICHAEL FLYNN has entered a guilty plea for making false statements and they both make false statements all the time. KELLYANNE CONWAY is not so edgy that she can’t also celebrate Christmas. She discreetly places an Elf on the Shelf toy atop JARED’s standing desk.]

KELLYANNE CONWAY [to KUSHNER DAUGHTER]: Who the fuck is he talking to?

JARED [lying]: A buddy from school. I’m on a conference call with some buddies from school.

GARY COHN [taking JARED at his word]: Jared, don’t say “buddies.” It sounds like you’re reverse-commuting to Greenwich.

[GENERAL MATTIS raises the possibility to KUSHNER DAUGHTER that JARED is speaking to ROBERT MUELLER. She is genuinely saddened about her father’s past, present and future decision making.]

GARY COHN [hopelessly]: Jared, look at me. We don’t reverse commute. And we also don’t disguise our Philly accents.

JARED [truthfully]: I’m not from Philly.

[GARY COHN grabs JARED’s phone, hangs up, and then makes eye contact with KUSHNER DAUGHTER who mouths, “He’s not from Philly.” GARY COHN is already executing his contingency plan and dialing Democratic Presidential hopeful, HOWARD SCHULTZ.]

GARY COHN [into phone]: Very funny, but this is Cohn, not Jared. [GARY COHN turns to JARED.] He asked if you’re calling from jail. [GARY COHN returns to his call.] Schultzie, relax. In two years there will be no trace, zero fucking trace, that I ever fucking did this. I’ll be finance chair of the Booker campaign, and then Fed chair after so and so’s term is up. Maybe I’ll be your Fed chair, Howard? Only chairs from here on in. [GARY COHN mutes HOWARD SCHULTZ, crouches down and mentors KUSHNER DAUGHTER, while motioning to JARED’s standing desk.] Chairs are great. Don’t believe everything you read. Do you see what I did with Howard? I negged him by saying I’d be working for Cory Booker, and then I negged him again by making it seem like I’d have to think about being his chair. Now he thinks I’m more valuable than I am. And he resents Cory Booker. [GARY COHN returns to his call.] Schultzie, you still there? How much money did Senate Republicans make you today? Bullshit, you’re giving the money back. What the fuck for? Three miles of road repairs along I-95. Are three miles of road repairs in fucking New Jersey worth that much to you?

[Meanwhile, KELLYANNE CONWAY is handing out Advent calendars and, for once, not violating the Hatch Act.Until, that is, STEVE BANNON barges in with a slain officer’s K9 dog—which he plans to run in Arkansas after TOM COTTON is appointed CIA Director—and she encourages him to rename it CHICKEN FINGERS.]

KELLYANNE CONWAY [truthfully]: I’ve done internal polling. It’s what you’d expect, with respect to race and education, but where we do really well is people who eat only chicken fingers. Ninety-four percent of the people who eat only chicken fingers, with occasional breaks for pasta without sauce, are with us.

STEVE BANNON [speaking for himself]: And sometimes pizza with the cheese scraped off.

GENERAL MATTIS [tightening the last screws of JARED’s standing desk and detecting via his sense of smell that STEVE BANNON has entered]: That mongrel has a yeast infection in its ear.

GARY COHN [to KUSHNER DAUGHTER]: Get Steve and his dog out of here.

KELLYANNE CONWAY [legalistically]: What happened to chain of command? [She points to GENERAL KELLY’s org chart where she outranks GARY COHN.]

GARY COHN [erasing the white board with his free hand]: First of all, that’s fucking bullshit. Second of all, this is important to the Shadow President.

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [decisively]: I’m in an alliance with Gary. And I’m the most powerful Jewish woman in America. Steve Bannon and Chicken Fingers have to go.

GARY COHN [into JARED’s phone, again]: Here’s what I love about you Howard. The red cups you serve your garbage coffee in are proof there’s no War on Christmas, and yet you don’t want me to be Santa to Starbucks’ shareholders. Un-fucking-believable.

[KUSHNER DAUHTER finally notices the Elf on the Shelf toy and squeals with delight. Though she is the most powerful Jewish woman in America, she still celebrates the mostly secular holiday of Christmas.]

GARY COHN [into JARED’s phone]: Yes. Donald Glover is probably the most talented person in his generation. Yes, you’re right about that. Hold on. Another call. [GARY COHN looks at JARED’s phone.] Fuck. It’s fucking Mueller. Fuck. [GARY COHN shows the screen to KUSHNER DAUGHTER.] Your dad has Mueller saved in his fucking phone?

IVANKA [so calmly it’s eerie]: Don’t answer that.

JARED [naively]: Why do our lawyers keep saying this is wrapping up?

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [presidentially]: Mom, can I swear?

[IVANKA nods.]

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [nervously]: Even though Elf on the Shelf will see me doing it?

[IVANKA nods.]

KUSHNER DAUGHTER [to JARED, powerfully]: Because they’re fucking liars.

[KUSHNER DAUGHTER, GARY COHN and GENERAL MATTIS exit to destroy JARED’s phone and then to watch the tax cut. KELLYANNE CONWAY, STEVE BANNON and CHICKEN FINGERS remain. KELLYANNE CONWAY remarks that not all heroes wear capes but wouldn’t it be fun if CHICKEN FINGERS did? IVANKA is whispering that there is a special place in hell for her husband, but she doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t even believe in an afterlife. JARED’s standing desk is finished, but he is, at present, a sitting duck.]

Image: Mark Baylor via Flickr, art by Silvia