The Only Reason to Ever Have an Affair is to Write a Great Book About It

And other answers to questions you didn’t ask.

“I was thinking about having an affair. What do you think?” — Two-Timing Tom

As I’ve said elsewhere, love is a chemical reaction in the brain that makes us stupid and weak. Love is also an illusion. All feelings are basically capitalist bullshit. People didn’t even know they were happy or sad until advertising let them know they were always unhappy, always striving toward an unreachable goal of happiness. And that goal could only be purchased for the price of a soda or a movie or a new car. The hole in our lives is not located near the chest and it’s not heart-shaped. The holes are at the bottoms of your pockets. And you’ll be paying your whole life, chasing and chasing, just to feel somewhat dissatisfied with everything. Do you think our ancestors considered happiness? Hopefully not. That would make dying in pointless wars or toiling for years in coal mines or cotton fields even that much more tragic.

The desire for sex may propel us forward. It might be a reason to get out of bed every morning and wander around the earth in the hopes of something good happening. Another reason would be tacos. But love will break your heart, ruin your life, leave you with nothing and probably get you killed. And that’s a best case scenario. We all die alone whether we like it or not. Nothing and no one will end up making any difference. And sex is usually a lot more fun when you’re chasing it, imagining it. At least the way I do it. Which may be part of the problem.

That said, the most fun of having an affair is sneaking around. And getting away with it. Those are both pretty fun. Sneaking around makes you a spy in your very own Charles McCarry novel. Maybe you get a burner phone. You are constantly lying to someone and maybe getting good at it. It may only be a matter of time before you’re caught. But it’s the chase, the adrenaline rush. The sugary feeling. Chemicals. That’s what gets us off. Kafka knew this when he wrote ”You are incapable of loving. Only fear excites you.”

The only reason to have an affair is to write a great book about it. Look at poor old Kafka. He fell in love with his Czech translator. Wrote to her daily, passionately. She would not leave her husband, who was a dick. He died, heartbroken and alone, wishing only that his work would be destroyed. She ended up getting divorced and marrying some architect. Fucking architects! I’m not sure how many affairs have contributed to the creation of great novels? Kundera? Duras? Raymond Chandler? How Stella Got Her Groove Back? It’s impossible to say. I don’t personally find Adultery to be all that interesting a plot-point, but they don’t ask me who should win National Book Awards and Booker Prizes.

I’m not sure why people get married anymore. I understand that being in a relationship is an economic necessity in the biggest cities of the USA. But actually being married? I guess if you wanted to make breaking up extra-painful. And therefore people would go to great lengths to avoid it?

But you must understand, dear readers, that monogamy was invented by the devil to torment humans. Which Commandment says don’t sleep around? None of them. God made humans, God gets you. If he didn’t want homosexual sex to feel good, then why does it? Exactly. And indubitably. “Going to Church on Sundays” and “Sleeping Around” are like cheating on crossword puzzles. Bad only because they tell you it’s bad. Jesus’s best friend was a sex worker. He was probably fine with sex outside of marriage. Was Mary Magdalene his girlfriend? Maybe. Jesus probably wasn’t the douchey virgin many American Christians would like to make him into.

All that said, don’t cheat around for long. Just break up. No monogamous relationship can withstand cheating. It’s hurtful. It bums people out. It make you lie. It is a weird drama play to eventually get caught. If you want to bang someone at a convention or something, go ahead. That’s normal. What happens in Omaha no one will ever probably care about. But sustained, romantic relationships while you’re committed to someone else is wrong. And will eventually bum you out. Don’t have sex with the nanny or sleep with your boss. Don’t run away with your brother’s wife. It’s just weird and gross.

You can always just get your significant other a wig. That’s just as good as getting a new significant other. I usually just fall in love with unattainable people and then sleep around every once in a while with whoever will have me. It’s a pretty sweet gig, and hopefully that will sustain me all my days. I don’t think I will end up on my death bed wishing I’d had deeper loving relationships. I’ll most likely worry about missing new episodes of “Twin Peaks” (which will probably suck any way) or wonder how the Red Sox are doing. I definitely won’t be regretting sleeping with the nanny.

Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.