How to Survive the Nor'easter and Not Get Eaten
And other answers to questions you didn’t ask.
“This Nor’easter sounds like bad news. Any advice?” — Lots of Snow Larry
A Nor’easter is unlike any other kind of storm. They are called nor’easters because your chances of surviving are nor. Imagine guys talking in Pepperidge Farm commercial Maine accents: “Did you survive that Nor’easter, Jedidiah?” “NOR! We all died horrible deaths alone.” But with a little help from a dude from New England like me, your chances will nor up dramatically.
The first thing to do is to set up your Craigslist blizzard hook-up ad in advance. It doesn’t have to say much. You just have to let potential sex partners know that you’ll be there for them while others are buried under piles of blowing snow, all alone. With No Hartford Whalers to keep them warm. Sex won’t necessarily help you during a blizzard, except if you end up having to eat someone. And then the more people you have around the more meat you’ll have to keep you going.
Fill your bathtub with coffee. This will probably take you all day just brewing 12 cups after 12 cups. Believe me, this will be worth it. You don’t want to spend your final hours screwing around with one of those French Press things. Decide which of your furniture is best to barricade all windows and doors and which pieces make the most sense to burn just in case you have to cook something or if you need to fight off looters. If you decide to burn books start with the fiction first followed by non-fiction. Fiction just burns better for some reason. But keep the Kurt Wallendar mysteries! Those are pretty awesome even on re-read.
Decide in advance which of your local businesses you will loot when the time comes. Map out the route! You want to have a plan for the mayhem, people. Pharmacies are the best, because you really do forget how many things you need when you’re looting. Like an ironing board. I am pretty sure I used to have one of those. But tomorrow I will probably grab 5 more, just in case I have to beat some people back through our front door with one of them. And toe nail clippers. You can never have enough of those bad boys.
I don’t know why people buy butter, bottled water, flour, milk and bananas during crises. What are you making? Banana bread? Banana bread will not save you. Doritos will save you. You’re going to need all the extra calories and chemicals inside your body you can get. Once raccoons and bears have had Doritos there’s nor going back to berries and twigs. And you may have to fight off Raccoons and Bears. Eat what they eat and get as strong as they are.
If you get the chance and there is lots and lots of fluffy snow, definitely film yourself jumping out your window into a massive pile of it. First off, you’ll probably die doing this. Secondly, when I find you, you’ll be delightfully chilled so I can drag you home and bake you into a pie.
Do not shovel your stairs or walkways. Shoveling is too expensive, and if you do it yourself you will probably have a heart attack. Clearly the better and more dangerous way to deal with big piles of snow is to light it on fire with lighter fluid like so. Only a long, continuous stream of fire will keep the snow at bay!
If you happen to get stuck under lots and lots of snow the best thing to do is stay completely still. You don’t want to scare the snow away. Just give in to the euphoria that hypothermia brings on. Take long deep breaths and sleep! There won’t be a place for you in this new snowbound world! Do us all a favor and feed us into the dark, cold coming days. Your sacrifice will be remembered! And it will definitely be delicious.
When I was growing up in Massachusetts it snowed daily for 30 years. If there’s one bit of advice I can give you it’s that love is a meaningless chemical reaction in the brain that makes you weak. Love is for suckers and people who will most likely get eaten. And if you’re going to be eaten let it go left arm, right arm, butt and then the legs. You can open up just about any Joy of Cooking and replace whatever meat is in the recipe for human arm.
This snowstorm will come fast and hard and only the truly devious will survive. No amount or planning and panic will likely save you. If you make it, I’ll eat you on the other side!
Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.