Scientific American Headlines Make Great Band Names

Try one out for yourself!

The news is bad lately. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. What’s been more surprising to me has been watching my non-political news outlets also shift in tone. Take Scientific American, for example. Where there’s usually a fair amount of, “Did you know birds could do this?!” coming out of their corner, suddenly everything is observably… graver. Climate change, extinctions, and conflict management seem to be on their writers’ minds a lot. And rightfully so! But along with all of that president-questioning data comes a lot of really amazing descriptions of phenomena that I’d like to share with you here. Mostly in case you are a thirteen year old gearing up for your middle school’s battle of the bands.

Their headlines essentially assemble a press kit for you, you just need to pick a name for your band:

Hot Fossil Mammals

Hot Fossil Mammals May Offer a Glimpse of Nature’s Future

Facts Fail

How to Convince Someone When Facts Fail

Doubts Cloud

Doubts Cloud Claims of Metallic Hydrogen

Cosmic Lenses

Cosmic Lenses Show Universe Expanding Surprisingly Fast

Enigmatic Pterosaur

Enigmatic Pterosaur Was a Terrestrial Stalker

Ancient Meteorites

Ancient Meteorites Were Different

Crowd Wisdom

Hive Mind: New Approach Could Improve on Crowd Wisdom

Hope for Elephants

Is China’s Ivory Ban a Sign of Hope for Elephants?

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch

Sea Unworthy: A Personal Journey into the Pacific Garbage Patch [Slide Show]

And while we’re here, pick one or two of these good titles for your LP and/or first single:

• The Universe in a Cup of Coffee
• Power of a Meaningful Life
• The Delusion of Alternative Facts
• Not an Extinction. A Transition
• How to Learn Morse Code—Semiconsciously
• Despair Not This Earth
• Galactic Murder Mystery
• What It Would Take to Reach the Stars
• Are Wormholes a Dead End?
• Soft, Sticky Frog Tongues

Now invite your friends over and practice once for thirty minutes in your stepdad’s basement, then kill it at the teen center this weekend. I know people say this all the time in show business, but I’m rooting for you.