Marry Me, Sally Yates! I'm Too Pretty to Die Alone!!

And other answers to unsolicited questions

“I am currently watching C-SPAN. Is this what my life is going to be like for the next four years? Protesting and writing to my representatives? What happened to my life?” — Not Usually Very Political Pete

I seriously doubt whether we’ll have constitutional crises every damned weekend going forward. Steve Bannon, Trump’s Senior Counselor who resembles a worn-out barcalounger that’s been left out in the rain to be eaten by raccoons, probably wants you to get tired of protesting and just accept the approaching White Supremacist-Leninist-Nihilist wave that’s piggybacking on Trump’s populist nonsense. They’re trying to overwhelm you with stupidity so you’ll feel overwhelmed, dispirited, like things are hopeless. Either the Trump people are geniuses who are slowly consolidating power to take over the entire American government or they’re morons who have no idea what they’re doing. Those two things can apparently look exactly the same.

One guy is predicting an American Reichstag Fire in the coming weeks. So, you might as well protest while you still can. You may wish you’d marched and called more representatives down the road. Lady Gaga will probably do some political thing that’s insane and amusing during Half Time at the Super Bowl and we’ll have tanks rolling down the streets of the major cities in time for the morning drive times.

The thing is, the President is incredibly sensitive. He apparently is really bummed out by his press coverage. Protests make him moody. His people can barely get through a typical news conference without bursting into tears. The White House sounds like it’s about as toxic a workplace as The Mad Men Show’s Grabass HQ.

Also, the President never really wanted to be President. He wanted to be treated like the President. But the guy does not like to read. And now his desk is just a giant pile of boring papers. He watches CNN because he gets bored during the day. Imagine that. Watching CNN to be entertained. That’s pretty bored.

Being President is a ton of work! You have to be some kind of work nerd to want to be President. Or, apparently, a person with a hole inside them that’s so large it can never be filled by anything but rancor.

The Administration is hitting every brown note on the xylophone. Today, LGBTQ people. Tomorrow, they will probably ban blonde old ladies in pant suits. Later in the week they will jail all cats. Everything you probably care about will be taken away from you and America will seem like the Romulan Empire for a while. We’re going to act like a country of frightened, selfish cowards for a while. Elections do have consequences and nothing is going to save us from the coming stupidity. Remind yourself this the next time you hear the “Candidate X and Candidate Y are practically the same” canard. There’s a huge difference between Coke and Pepsi. And you may not taste it until months later! Choose carefully! One may kill you and deport your friends!

But how are you going to get through all of this? I mean, that’s what’s most important. You. And your pals. Everyone’s just been pouting, stirring their drinks in a fog for the past few weeks. Politics is not a sport. You don’t have to check the scoreboard every few minutes to see if your team is winning. In this case it’s: HUMANITY vs. ASSHOLES. And the only winner so far is the maker of boxes that can be torn apart and made into protest signs.

So, yeah, they’re going to try to tire you out. Trump is going to fire the Acting Attorney General one night and wipe his ass with the Declaration of Independence the next. They’re going to try to make you throw up your arms and just give up. Never watch the news again and disappear into Netflix forever. That is definitely one way to go.

I don’t think Trump and his pals are going to last very long at this rate. Kellyanne hasn’t slept in in months. Jared Kushner’s lost 7 pounds. They’re suffering, people. But none more than the Hate Pumpkin at the top. It’s fun to be Pretend President. And it’s really difficult to be Real President. Especially when you’re Psychologically Not Up for the Job.

We may have to contact our reps. And show up with signs. And watch C-SPAN. Just not when they’re taking calls. Change the channel when they’re taking calls. You will be drawn directly into a K-Hole of nonsense. Save yourself. And also me. Somehow. Please.

I’m in awe of the bravery of Acting Attorney General Sally Yates. She stood up for what is right and was quickly fired by the jerks. I love America because of people like her. People who will do what’s right no matter what the cost. I would someday like to be like her. When I grow up. Possibly by next week when I turn 44.

Jim Behrle lives in Jersey City, NJ and works at a bookstore.