I Want A Big Mouth Billy Bass

Is that cool and normal or weird and bad?

The year: 2016.
The home-renter: me.
The issue: I think I might want to purchase a Big Mouth Billy Bass.

If you were breathing and sentient at the dawn of the new millennium, you probably encountered the iconic singing fish known as Big Mouth Billy Bass. For years, he was available at pharmacies and Bed Bath and Beyonds the world over, waiting for you to push his red button (or walk past his motion sensor) so he could sing you upbeat hits like “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” or “Take Me to the River.” His head would pivot and his mouth would move while he sang to you, like a live action, photorealistic Little Mermaid fish.

He spent years as the perfect “I don’t know what to buy, but I mean well” gift. Office secret Santa? Give em a bass. Uncle at Christmas? Hand ’em old Billy. The fish knew how to please a crowd, and was just subtle enough visually that he wasn’t an obvious gag gift. He briefly and perfectly filled a specific need that all of us have: to be stupid and fun at a fair price.

I’m not sure why, but it recently occurred to me that now, sixteen years later, I might be pleased and comforted to have one of these guys in my own home. At the same time, though, do I really need to impulse buy a product designed to be impulse bought close to two decades after its release? Am I having a crisis? A lot of late-90s/early aughts culture is cycling back around right now: platform sandals, halter tops, eyeshadow. If it’s chic to look like post-makeover She’s All That Rachel Leigh Cook again, it’s probably also chic to hang this bass in my house.

Anyway, obviously this is a complex emotion for me and I’m unsure of how to proceed. I’ve broken down a list of pros and cons for purchasing one of these fish for myself, and I’d love for you to tell me how you think I should proceed. I can’t guarantee I’ll take your opinion to heart, but I’ll definitely add it to my pile of vague, borderline inscrutable sentiments.

Pros:

1. I love “The Sopranos,” and on that television program there’s an episode where someone gets a Big Mouth Billy Bass and it pisses everyone off. Later, Tony (the main boy) has a nightmare about one of his deceased friends coming back to haunt him as a talking fish. Every time I looked at this decoration, I’d be reminded of “The Sopranos,” a good show.
2. They’re cheap as hell. People are selling used Big Mouth Billy Bass on eBay for as little as $1. I’d probably shoot for something in the $10 range for quality’s sake, but that’s still an appealingly low barrier to entry.
3. He cute.
4. He outdoorsy.
5. He sings.

Cons:

1. Every new person who entered my home would probably want to engage with my cultural touchstone decor. I know this because I currently have books and DVDs stored in my home, and people love to engage with those titles as soon as they walk in. It’s not their fault, we need something to talk about, but after the first three, “Omg yeah! I just decided I wanted one!” conversations, I’d probably wish he were… less noticeable.
2. He runs on 4 C-sized batteries. What?
3. He sings.

See what I mean? It’s a pretty even split. Is the bass… good? Or is he bad? I can’t tell. Please let me know in the comments what you think, and thank you for your time.