Things I Hope the Dracula Airbnb Contest Winner Does in His Castle

On Halloween, of course

AirBnb is currently running a contest for a true fantasy vacation: an all-expenses-paid trip for two to Romania to stay in Dracula’s actual castle for Halloween, complete with a guided tour from Dracula author Bram Stoker’s great grandnephew Dacre Stoker.

I don’t mean to sext you in broad daylight, but please read their description of the experience:

A horse-drawn carriage carries you swiftly through Transylvania as the sun sets towards the horizon, heralding the hours of swooping bats and howling wolves. When you come around the final bend on the tree-lined road, you’ll catch a glimpse of Bran Castle. This misty mountain-top manor is home for the night…Dacre Stoker, Bram Stoker’s great grandnephew, will answer your knock on the castle’s imposing wooden doors. He will be your host for the night, and resident expert on Transylvanian lore. Enter the castle and explore the labyrinth of lamp-lit corridors, creepy nooks, and squeaky staircases while there is still light in the sky. You may traipse through all fifty-seven rooms, from lofty tower lookouts to deep dark crypts, and even enjoy an incomparable view of the Carpathians from the terrace as the sun makes its final descent. But once darkness comes, retreat inside. Unexpected guests have been known to come knocking in the moonlit hours.

A secret passage on the first floor leads to the grand dining room where an intimate candlelit dinner will await, prepared exactly as described in Bram Stoker’s novel. Following the hearty, blood-enriching meal, you will be left to sleep in luxurious velvet-trimmed coffins in the seclusion of the Count’s crypt.

Fall asleep to the creaks and whispers of the Transylvanian night, and the sound of wolves roaming outside the castle walls.

Horny yet? I know I am.

I also know I won’t be entering or winning this contest (you have to write and submit something), but, to the person who does, I think the winner owes us the following:

• A loud cackle from the top of a staircase.
• Peer out from behind a slowly-opening, creaky door to say something like, “Ready for dinner?”
• Be the eyes of a painting.
• Run down a long, stone-floored hallway so the sounds of your footsteps echo off the high ceiling.
• Stop mid-run to listen for the echoes of a second set of footsteps. Ghost footsteps.
• Walk somewhere cautiously while holding a candelabra.
• Ask if there’s blood in the wine.
• Ask if there’s garlic in the food.
• Bring a spare battery and charge it while you’re there. Don’t use it till you’re home. Your phone’s running on haunted electricity, dog.
• Sleep in the coffin they provide for you.
• Hold hands with your guest while you are each lying in your respective coffins and make Dacre take a pic of it.
• Open a window at night and howl like a wolf. See if any wolf buds reply.
• Point at a bat in the sky and say, “How beautiful!!!!”
• Climb to the top of the tower at the stroke of midnight.
• Ask Dacre if he’s dead.
• Ask Dacre if he’s a vampire.
• Ask Dacre if his great-granduncle was a vampire.
• Ask Dacre what percentage of the Romanian population identify as vampires.
• Ask Dacre how to say, “Are you a vampire?” in Romanian.
• Abruptly close a velvet curtain.

And to the winner: thank you in advance for complying.