Stop Selling Your Body For Clicks

I want all of the perks of being rich, without having any money. I want all of the benefits of exercise, without lifting a knee. I deserve a gift registry, even though I am not getting married. I should be allowed to take time off, despite the fact that I am neither ill nor bereaved. I should be treated fairly, even though no one else is. I want to make my boyfriend three hundred sandwiches and I don’t want anyone to judge me for it. I want to be both old and young at the same time. I should be able to drive on driveways and park on parkways. I want to get away to a remote tropical location but also always know what everyone is saying about me and each other online. I want to get a tan but I never want wrinkles or skin cancer. I want to eat my cake, and then eat another slice, and then eat the whole rest of the cake without any of it hitting my caloric bottom line. I want the New York Post to stop pandering to the outrage machine but I also want to be entertained. I want to write about how takes are bad but without it being a take. I just want everyone to love me. Is that too much to ask?