Spummerall Is Here

As I get older and farther away from a life lived in academic calendars (spring breaks, summer vacations, fall midterms, winter depressions), I found I’ve lost my ability to tell, at any given moment, what time of year it is. The first question I tend to ask myself is, How warm or cold am I? The next is usually, What is the next closest major holiday or music festival, and has it just happened or is it about to happen? Right now for example, I would call this part of April we’re in “Easterchella, plus or minus” (or “Pesachella,” if you will).

Well, it’s finally here — that time of year when it’s disorientingly warm for a spell, and people start exposing their mottled flesh to the great cancer light in the sky while lolling around in public spaces. Look around you, you’ll see it in the pinkened faces of your coworkers who, when you are required to make small talk with them, will reveal to you that they “went to the park.” (But you already knew this, because Instagram.) I bet they even went to brunch with outdoor seating! You’ll hear a lot of people refer to this weather we’re having as “unseasonably warm,” to which I would counter, what exactly is a season, and who really defines its terms? A calendar? Haha, no. California basically has no seasons, and until recently with this drought business, no one there ever talked about the weather. Coincidence? Definitely not.

I propose that we collapse all the “warm” seasons into one giant one uber-season called “Spummerall.” Why this disgusting portmeanteau, you ask? Because shut up about the weather, it’s already super fucked up anyway without you giving it such a hard time for not living up to your expectations. Plus it’s only going to get more confusing as we go forward in time on this doomed little rock of a planet, so you might as well just embrace it and stop trying to mark the remaining time in nonsense ways. A better way might be to remark on the comings and goings of our local spotted salamanders: Did you know that every year, “triggered by spring’s first warm rains, they migrate en masse to breed in shallow vernal pools”?

According to Weather Underground, the high for today in New York is 80ºF, which is just silly. Don’t forget to wear sunscreen (though you really should have put it on before you left the house)!

Photo: Shutterstock