How to Keep Your Mistress a Secret
by Hallie Bateman and Nick Bateman
Every guy has a mistress. But how can we solve the pesky and ever-present problem of keeping them a secret from our wives and girlfriends? There are a million ways that we can get caught. It could be something as simple as a phone call at the wrong time, too many late nights, or a musky sexual odor found on our clothes. We can all say that we have had our close calls, which made us ask: How do you cover up your tracks? Several of our readers responded with their unique approaches.
My wife accuses me of cheating all the time. I mean, she’s not wrong. However, I found a novel approach to deal with the accusation. I just pretend to not know what she is talking about! You really have to be committed, though. Seriously, It’s a blanket approach. I pretend to not know many things in other parts of my life. Her whole family thinks i’m dim. I bet I don’t seem so dim when I am able to slime my way out of her many accusations by just saying “um” a lot and soiling myself.
— Dale, Waukegan
Just having one relationship takes up a lot of time and having a mistress almost doubles that time commitment. For a guy like me, who works a lot and likes his hobbies, it can be a challenge to keep both of these relationships going. I decided a few years ago to try to
do a two-birds-with-one-stone situation. I take my wife and my mistress both out to the same place at the same time. This method has worked for me for years. On Thursdays I take my wife and the mistress out to a movie. The wife drives and I always meet the mistress in the theatre. From there it is a simple matter of getting up to pee and slinking over to the other theatre. After about 6 minutes there, I get up to pee again. Rinse, repeat. I have saved tons of time with this method and with only a few hundred close calls.
— Tyler, Gainesville
I’m a corporate strategist so I approached my extramarital affair with an eye to the long game. I planned accordingly to have a mistress same as I planned years ahead to embezzle my retirement. Get married, share finances, and most importantly: have kids. Bind yourself to your partner in as many ways as possible so that leaving you presents problems she wants to deal with even less than she wants to deal with your infidelity. Having a mistress takes a lot of responsibility, definitely not for those who shy away from commitment.
— Doug, Atlantic City
I’m a guy who’s got it figured out. I’ve had the same mistress for eight years and none of my girlfriends have ever found out about her. As soon as a girlfriend starts to suspect something, I accuse HER of cheating. That gives me a few weeks of cushion time to line up a new girlfriend. I’m a total commitment phobe but using this method I’m never in a relationship for longer than six months. And I have had the added benefit of conducting a fulfilling, rich and passionate affair with the same beautiful woman for eight years.
— Eric, Moss Landing
When I first took on a mistress I had a hard time explaining my leaving the house at odd hours, lengthy phone calls, and irregularities in my credit card statements. Fortunately I happened across the solution to my problem about six months ago. My wife was already used to flights of fancy and new hobbies, so it wasn’t a stretch for me to start “owl watching”. I took to it in a zero-to-one-hundred manner. I bought tons of equipment, subscribed to several ornithological magazines, and started talking about owl watching so much that my wife became conditioned to stop listening. Her eyes glaze over before I can say “plumage.” Now I have free rein to leave the house at 11:30 PM and return at 4 AM needing a shower. There’s probably other hobbies that would work for this but you might as well take up owl watching since I’ve already done the work of testing it out for you.
— Ned, Lafayette