Buy Yourself Happy

Self-delusion is one of the most important survival instincts you have: If you were always aware of just how awful you are you’d have cranked up the gas and emptied out the medicine cabinet long ago. Even in those moments when you unintentionally discover that someone else’s sense of your self is wildly at odds with the idea you carry around, you pretend that the fault lies in their own unhappiness or personal problems or any other excuse you can come up with to keep from facing up to just how ugly you are inside. Still, there is that nagging doubt that no number of drinks or drugs or sex partners or narcotizing episodes of television can kill: What if I’m not even the hero in my own story? What if I’m actually as appalling as I imagine in those rare moments of clarity where I am able to step out of my own personal narrative and see myself as others must? Is there anything I can do to change my trajectory and somehow become the better person I need to be? The answer, sadly, is no: People don’t change. You are born a certain way, your parents make a few permanent alterations, life bats you around a bit and voilà, you’re stuck. You’re you and you suck and that’s the way it’s going to be until you die. But you can always buy a few things to make you think you’re someone else for a while. Someone less bad. That’s about the best it’s going to get for you, unfortunately. I wish I could tell you something better but we both know it’s already more than you deserve.