The Poster for 'Spectre' Is Fake, Right? It Has To Be.

by Brian Feldman

I mean, holy shit. Look at it again.

It is the year 2015, and everything touched by a major movie studio — certainly the 24th installment in one of the medium’s most enduring franchises — is a/b/c/d/e/f-tested TO DEATH and this is the poster we get.

“Hmmm… okay here’s what we’re gonna do: let’s put James Bond on the poster. Nice, nice. White tuxedo. Very fancy. Annnnnd that’s it.”

[assistant turns to leave]

“NO WAIT. Okay, he’s a secret agent, right? Like, he’s the gun man? Can we give him a gun? Let’s do it. Give him the gun. Put a silencer on it. He’s a secret agent and they’ve always got the pew-pew-pew cylinder on the end of their tiny guns. Have him holding the gun. That way we know he means business.”

[assistant turns to leave]

“NO WAIT. Does he mean enough business? What’s another sign of meaning business. Money, obviously, but I mean the fighting business. Have him cross his arms. Yeah, he’s pointing the gun and crossing his arms. This is very good. Read that back to me?”

“James Bond, holding gun, arms crossed, white tuxedo.”

“Perfect. Print one million copies.”

[assistant turns to leave]

“Sorry, change of heart. Two million copies.”

[assistant turns to leave]

“NO WAIT. We gotta put something in the background. What’s the movie called? “Spectre”? He fights a ghost? Finally, I have been saying for years that James Bond should fight a ghost and he finally is. Put a ghost in the background. Also, ‘Spectre’ is a dumb name let’s see if we can still change it to ‘James Bond VERSUS Spooky Ghost.’ Please see yourself out, I have to yell at iTunes again.”

[assistant turns to leave]

“NO WAIT. Okay change the ghost to a skeleton? That’s much scarier than a ghost. Make it really obvious that the skeleton is smiling or laughing? Make it, like, a funny skeleton. He should be looking over his shoulder, with an expression like, ‘Who, me?’”

[assistant turns to leave]

“NO, WAIT. Put the skeleton in the fanciest top hat you can find.”

[assistant leaves]

“Finally, alone at last. Me, the smartest film executive in the world. The man who put the fancy skeleton on the secret agent poster.”