Your New York City Horoscope

Did I ever tell you about my subway horoscope column idea? The premise was essentially that you could forecast someone’s weekly commute in the same way astrology forecasts offer, uh, guidance for their personal and professional week. Your subway sign would be your usual station of origin and then the most common transfer or destination of your trip, i.e. “I’m an F with a 6 rising.” Each week you’d get something like, “Ls should plan to spend a lot of time near home for the next few days” or “Rs with a special someone who shows a J rising, this is when you need to make your move!”

Sadly, and as is the case with most of my ideas, it fell apart in the execution stage: To really pull it off you’d need someone with enough of a grounding in both the intricacies of our transit system and the astounding bullshit that is astrology, a commonality unlikely enough to start with, let alone one that could be found in someone articulate and willing to write essentially a one-note joke of a column. Impractical as it may be, I still hold a place for it in my heart (along with some of the other, better ideas I have never managed to get implemented here, like the Doody Car story) and hope that someday, somehow it might happen. Why do I bring it up?

There are about a million walking tours you can take in New York City. But there’s only one (that we know of) that’s is tailored to your astrological birth chart. That’s the premise of the expedition around the city that Bess Matassa will plot out just for you. The astrologer and urban cultural geographer plans expeditions that take her clients to sites that embody qualities expressed in and absent from their charts, which document the position of the sun, the moon and the planets at the time of and in relation to the place of their birth.

Well, I guess, good for her. In the meantime, if you feel like you could make my subway astrology column a thing that works, please get in touch. It should probably be much easier now that all the trains suck all the time.