Is Anything Better Than Not Knowing What Stupid Thing Twitter Is Angrily Jerking Off About?

“I found out about the guacamole and the pea incident four days after The New York Times tweeted about it. That’s not like me. I’m typically on top of the news cycle and keep tabs on the general zeitgeist of what’s important on the Internet. But last week, I went on vacation — for the first time in a long time. And I decided to stay off email, Twitter, Facebook, and generally the entire Internet. I read back issues of The New Yorker in print. I took walks.”
 — I mean, if this happened to me I’d be bragging too. Can you imagine going four days without knowing about the guacamole thing? 96 hours outside the slipstream of rampant, predicatable dumbassery? When you finally did find out you’d probably drop down to your knees and salute your Lord and Savior for offering such an amazing respite. God, I’m jealous just thinking about that. You know what? If you are thinking of starting a cult and want to get a lot of people to join, promise them that if they accept your teachings they will never have to hear about another idiot Twitter explosion again. You will have to build so many compounds to house your followers that there’s no way the government will be able to firebomb them all. Anyway, don’t look at Twitter, it’s killing your soul is what I’m saying, I guess.