How To Keep From Turning Into Your Parents

Will you turn into your parents? Some licensed clinical social worker says maybe yes, maybe no, you can probably avoid it if you (I hope you’re sitting down because this answer will shock the fuck out of you) go through therapy to change the patterns blah blah blah, it’s always “talk about your problems and do some work on yourself” with these people. “Please,” they say as the meter runs, “go on about all these things that have also happened to every other fucking person in the history of our species, nothing could be more fascinating.” But I digress. The parent-turning-into thing, what’s the deal with that?

People generally tend to pay more attention to the qualities that were most burdensome growing up. For example, if your father was very impatient, and would become quick to frustrate, you may now consciously desire to be more patient and go with the flow more easily so you don’t embody this same quality. However, you may find yourself reacting impatiently or frustratedly as a natural unconscious reaction to things…. The issue of carrying on negative traits of our parents (and it should be noted that the impact of siblings here is often understated) is when we lack self-awareness. When people are in stable, relaxed states, it’s easier to control who we want to be. But when we become activated in some way, it can be easier to lose track of the desire to act differently than what we’re already used to. For example, if you’re a parent who grew up with a yelling and punishing parent, and your child does something that triggers you, it may be your first reaction to yell and punish, unless you’re able to regulate yourself to consciously change the response.

So a couple of important things to take away here: 1) Yes, you will turn into your parents, but only the bad parts of them, and only when you are at your weakest and least attentive, so unless you are prepared to remain in a permanent state of vigilance against becoming dismissive, hypercritical and panicky (plus quick to anger when drinking) you should probably just accept the fact that pretty soon you’re gonna be your mom and even though they say there’s something you can do about it, let’s be honest, there’s no real hope for you, but 2) You can also blame a sibling, if you have one!

Look, we all know that turning into our parents is just a thing that happens as we age, like feeling wistful for moments in the past that seemed unremarkable at the time but compared to the constant trauma parade our lives have turned into now make us feel like we would be in heaven on earth if only we could get them back, or sore joints at the end of the day. There’s no avoiding it, so just relax and let the transformation occur, if it hasn’t already. I want to leave you with some good news on this, so here it is: Eventually everyone dies, including you, and no matter who you take after it’s going to stop at some point. For you, at least. God knows what you’re going to do to your children.

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