Goodbye, Time Warner Cable

by Eric Spiegelman

We’ve been through a lot together these past twelve years. Remember when I moved to Silver Lake? You came with me! You even replaced my outdated cable box as a housewarming gift. Sure, you continued to charge me $4 a month in “rent” for that old box that you kept, for the next 57 months. But it was a lovely gesture.

I remember all those long nights waiting on hold, trying to get you to stop charging me for the old cable box, only to get a customer service rep who thought I was the one who was lying. Maybe it’s that we’re too much alike. I’m a stubborn person as well. I like doing things the way I’ve always done them. You know how you’ve stuck with the same garbage menu interface since at least 2003? I still have the same coffee machine from back then! Who needs a Keurig or a navigable UI, anyway?

We’ve had our share of arguments, but they kept us intertwined in that special way only a toxic cycle of invented drama can. Like the time I caught you charging new subscribers half the rate you charged me for the same service. We had a chat about that, didn’t we. You told me, with a straight face, that the plan I had was a “better deal,” because I guess you don’t think I understand how numbers work? You said if I wanted the new rate I’d have to cancel my service altogether and then come back a month, if that rate was even still offered by then. So unnecessary. So hurtful. I’m happy to say I’m finally taking your recommendation. The first part, at least.

Truth is, you’re a little mercurial for my taste. You change your channel lineup all the time, with no warning or notice, screwing up my DVR settings. I missed episode 10 of the first season of You’re The Worst the last time you did this. That’s the episode where Kether Donahue sings Kate Bush at karaoke. I had to just sit there and pretend to agree while all my friends went on about how episode 10 was the best one. It was so mortifying. I still haven’t seen it!

Maybe you didn’t realize this, but since you last switched up the lineup, there’s now two of everything. Two AMCs, two FXs (not including FXX), two IFCs. And not even an east coast feed and west coast feed. Two west coast feeds. I can’t make sense of this. Whatever the reason, it’s kind of rude. A lot of people try to launch little upstart cable channels and you totally ignore them, while clearly you have plenty of bandwidth to go around. I don’t need two identical Bravos. Trade one, maybe, for Pivot.

There are two SportsNet LAs as well, but this is hardly the problem with that whole debacle. The real problem is that you’re a bully. 70% of Los Angeles can’t watch Dodger games on television because you won’t let other cable systems carry them for less than $4 per subscriber. $4 is more than the carriage fees of AMC, FX, IFC and Comedy Central, combined, so that’s not really a fair price, is it? Maybe you can show Comcast how to run that whole “charging for old cable boxes” scam and get them to assign those $4 fees to you. There’s an idea!

By the way, not a single person in Los Angeles knows what channel number SportsNet LA is. I spend at least ten minutes looking it up every time I want to watch the Dodgers. Nearly missed the ninth inning of Beckett’s no-hitter because of that. You know how I know that NBC is on channel 4? Because every one of their billboards and station identification bumpers has said so since the beginning of time. You might want to try that marketing strategy. Though, “SportsNet LA: now on 68 and 318 and probably some new number in a couple months” doesn’t quite roll off the tongue.

It’s not just me who’s upset. You’ve so thoroughly alienated my neighbors that the second largest newspaper in Los Angeles is now teaching people how to use a proxy server so they can stream Dodger games via MLB.tv. That probably violates the DMCA, but so what? We’d rather break the law than let you continue to break our hearts. Oh, and I’ve met someone else. It’s Apple. As of last Tuesday they offer HBO NOW on their television system. Apple cares about my needs.

There’s really nothing else keeping me here. The only shows I watch that I can’t get on subscription streaming now are Mad Men, You’re the Worst, Portlandia and Louie. I’ll be fine buying individual episodes on iTunes. Adding those charges to my HBO NOW and my proxy-servered MLB.tv, I’ll still cut my television costs in half. I already did the math. You waste my money. You waste my time. You make bad decisions. We’re over.

I still have your cable box. I’ll leave it outside and you can send someone to pick it up. Don’t bother knocking. It’s time for both of us to move on.

Photo by Dens