New York Limericks

New York Limericks

by Hallie Bateman

In Red Hook there was a young lad
Who couldn’t help but be sad;
Despite his intent,
He couldn’t pay rent
He really should’ve listened to his dad.

I knew a young lady from Bushwick
who had all manner of ticks:
Her butt swayed and twerked;
Her arms swung and jerked
 — on the subway she was a huge liability.

There once was a store in Astoria
Frequented by Eva Longoria;
She’d always buy knives
And when the clerk asked her why
She said, “Oh, it’s a long storia.”

There once was a lady from SoHo
Who had quite an obsession with fro-yo;
She’d hike through a storm
In one single platform
To taste the new salted-cara-mo-yo

There once was a pup from Park Slope
Whose bark was really more of a croak;
It startled some with such violence
They lobbied for him to be silenced,
But his owner firmly said “nope.”

I once knew a bro from Murray Hill
Who thought everything was trill;
Until one day, mid- bar frolic,
He realized he was an alcoholic — 
That… was… not… very…. chill.

In Hell’s Kitchen a man was depressed
So he went to the church to confess:
“Father, I’ve sinned — 
Where to begin…
When she’s gone I like to wear my wife’s dress.”

There was an old crony in Coney
Who ate nothing but cheese and bologna;
He was almost all torso
And only got more so;
He once sat on Dermot Mulroney.