Are You Too Stupid And/Or Too Slutty To Vote Today?

Weirdo columnist Jonah Goldberg comes out swinging at the vanguard of a movement to prevent Lena Dunham from voting. (NOT JOKING.) This is a philosophy we can all get behind. Why, you ask, should Lena Dunham not be allowed to vote? Let’s investigate!

• “Election month is bad.” This is a dog whistle about early voting. They call it “election month” to make early voting sound C R A Z Y. Whites and/or Republicans are against early voting, because sometimes THE BLACKS vote early. Why are these people opposed to voting at all, you might wonder? Why are they in favor of restrictive voter ID laws? (See: Texas.)

• Lena Dunham says voting makes her feel good. Jonah says: “Of all the reasons to vote, using ballots as a balm to cure low self-esteem has to be the most pathetic.” Ha ha sure, probably. Also, why do you care?

• “Voting should come at the end of civic engagement, not the beginning.” Right, you should earn your right to vote with a program of education and service. You don’t just GET THE RIGHT TO VOTE IN AMERICA by turning 18 and being an American and not a felon! You should have to pass some sort of test probably.

• “Dunham, who can be seen dancing in her dingy underwear for a Rock the Vote video encouraging young people to vote (and vote liberal) in these midterms.” NOBODY LISTEN TO THIS SLUT.

• Pro-voting organizations overstate the importance of elections, Goldberg points out. Sure! His example: Look at Mark Udall v. Cory Gardner in the senate race in Colorado. He writes that lady voters might be surprised how much the Republican candidate likes women: “Udall’s GOP challenger, Rep. Cory Gardner, actually favors making birth control available over the counter.”

GREAT POINT. Stand down, ladies! So you could basically vote for either of them! Why are you making this election so DIVISIVE? Except, you know, that Cory Gardner was a cosponsor of the Defund Obamacare Act, the No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion and Abortion Insurance Act, and the Life at Conception Act. So clearly there’s literally NO difference between these candidates, you silly uniformed lady voters in your dirty underpants, Cory Gardner likes condoms just fine (and will vote against abortion and assert that life begins at conception, unlike his opponent Mark Udall, who is pro-choice, so everything’s fine nothing to see here).