Toward a Resolution of the Moral Quandary of Eating on the Subway

by Matthew J.X. Malady

People drop things on the Internet and run all the time. So we have to ask. In this edition, writer and Ridgewood resident Brendan O’Connor tells us more about two guys having dinner — at the dinner table — on the subway.

Well that’s something you don’t see every day pic.twitter.com/Lr9oVq6pvm

— Brendan O’Connor (@_grendan) October 15, 2014

Brendan! So what happened here?

OK! So. I was taking the M train from Brooklyn to Manhattan. Despite its problematic schedule, the M train is my favorite because in Brooklyn and Queens it runs above ground. I am young enough in the game for this to still be magical because you can look outside. Also you can tweet.

The train was pretty empty when these guys got on. At first, I wasn’t sure that they were going to open up the table. It was a folding table. But they did. Then they ate McDonald’s on it. I could smell the McDonald’s; it smelled good. I don’t know that anyone was particularly bothered by what was going on. Maybe by the smell though? Sometimes the smell of McDonald’s can be sort of overwhelming. The sense I got from the few other passengers was one of bemusement rather than annoyance, though.

As you can see, the two gentlemen are wearing ties and lanyards. Ties and lanyards? Tell us more! Ha ha ha. No but seriously, if I recall correctly they got on the train at Flushing Avenue, which is near Woodhull hospital. A hospital is a place where people sometimes wear ties and lanyards? So maybe that’s where they were coming from? Idk. There’s also a McDonald’s around there. Then again, maybe they didn’t get on the train at Flushing. Maybe I’m constructing that memory to support my equally tenuous hospital theory. Let’s look at the facts: I got on the train at Myrtle-Wyckoff; they got on after me; they got off at Marcy Avenue — the last stop before Manhattan. That’s what we know. This will be relevant later.

I have to know: What did these two dudes talk about at their subway dining table? Did they reference the ridiculousness of what they were doing or joke about it or anything like that? Or no?

The dude on the left was talking about how the table was nice to have for his longer train trips. He mentioned having to be on the train for almost an hour sometimes — dunno if that’s his commute, or what. He was saying that it was nice to have the table, then. Or maybe he was saying it *would* be nice to have the table, then? It was unclear. The table quite clearly belonged to the man on the left, though, and it was clearly not his first time using the table on the subway.

But they weren’t on the train for an hour. Like I said before, they got on after Myrtle-Wyckoff and got off at Marcy Avenue. So they were on the train for…ten minutes? Maybe? Ten minutes at most, if the train was running really slow. This is good journalism right here. The point is that the man on the left was much more comfortable setting up a table — his table — on the subway than the man on the right. The man on the right was clearly out of his element.

Anyway, they didn’t really talk about the table. They talked about Iggy Azalea. The man on the left had a theory that she looks like Marlon Wayans in the movie White Girls. (Look, I didn’t say it.) They laughed about her beef with Snoop Dogg. Or Snoop Lion, rather. Maybe they just referred to him as Snoop. I’m not sure.

Lesson learned (if any)?

Men are bad? Lol idk. It’s certainly another entry for men taking up 2 much space on the train dot tumblr dot com. Although perhaps not, because like I said, the train was pretty empty. How much space is 2 much space? Probably nobody ever needs to open up a folding table on the subway. But, like, if you have it, and there’s nobody around… Look I’m just saying, I might have done the same thing, if I had McDonald’s and a table upon which to eat it.

As it happens, this is not the first man with furniture I’ve seen on the subway:

A photo posted by Brendan O’Connor (@boc9000) on Jul 7, 2014 at 4:37pm PDT

Just one more thing.
I miss pretending to ignore the Showtime kids.

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Matthew J.X. Malady is a writer and editor who was in New York but is now in Berkeley.