#Sorry
by Kevin Lincoln
@[redacted]: #StandUpFor soft drinks, duh
@[redacted]: #StandUpFor real cold soft drinks, realllllll cold
@[redacted]: I’ve, uh, I’ve been alerted that maybe last couple tweets were out of line. Will conduct a full investigation now
@[redacted]: oh my god
@[redacted]: oh my god, I’m so sorry
@[redacted]: I’m so sorry
@[redacted]: I did not look into that hashtag before I participated in it. I am looking now. there is no room for soft drinks
@[redacted]: I was just trying to spread happiness. I apologize to everyone, everywhere. for once, soft drinks aren’t needed
@[redacted]: @[redacted1] I’m so sorry you were offended. I didn’t mean it. I really do stand up for soft drinks, tho. ride or die
@[redacted]: @[redacted1] no, you’re right, that’s also insensitive, I didn’t mean to belittle the situation, I’m doubly sorry
@[redacted]: @[redacted2] please don’t call me that
@[redacted]: @[redacted2] I mean, I see your point, but I think saying I’m worse than ISIS is mean
@[redacted]: @[redacted2] no, OK, you’re right, I’m sorry, I am, I really am worse. god I fucking hate soft drinks
@[redacted]: @[redacted2] I didn’t mean that
@[redacted]: Please, if everyone could stop retweeting what I said about hating soft drinks, I was frustrated, I didn’t mean it
@[redacted]: I love soft drinks
@[redacted]: dammit why can’t you delete tweets
@[redacted]: @[redacted3] wait, what
@[redacted]: I’ve just learned that you can delete tweets. this is great. earfuck yourselves you clowns
@[redacted]: Good morning! #empower your thirst with 64 ounces of a soft drink from [redacted]
@[redacted]: @[redacted4] are you fucking serious
@[redacted]: @[redacted4] I’m so sorry
@[redacted]: I’m so sorry, everyone. please don’t earfuck yourselves. I don’t even know what that means
@[redacted]: I thought if I deleted the tweets everyone would forget about them
@[redacted]: but they didn’t
@[redacted]: secondly, I once again misinterpreted a hashtag and used it to spread the gospel of soft drinks
@[redacted] #thegospelofjesussays drink a soft drink
@[redacted]: apparently that last tweet was both insensitive and apocryphal
@[redacted]: @[redacted5] I’m so sorry, God doesn’t deserve this shit, or Jesus
@[redacted]: @[redacted5] I’m sorry I cursed
@[redacted]: @[redacted5] please pray for me
@[redacted]: @[redacted6] I’m not just a soft-drink twitter account, I’m a human being and that’s hurtful
@[redacted]: @[redacted6] no, you’re right, I can’t prove that my brain isn’t goat cheese, I don’t know, I’m sorry
@[redacted]: @[redacted7] what
@[redacted]: @[redacted7] speak English you clown
@[redacted]: I’m sorry, I and soft drinks love you all no matter what language you speak
@[redacted]: #gandhiwould’ve had a soft drink right about now
@[redacted]: @[redacted8] no, not hunger-striking gandhi, that’s ridiculous
@[redacted]: @[redacted8] gandhi was not always on a hunger strike his whole life, that’s ridiculous
@[redacted]: I’m so so sorry, I’ve just been informed that gandhi did a lifelong hunger strike so he couldn’t have enjoyed a soft drink
@[redacted] tough life, amirite
@[redacted]: @[redacted9] you’re fucking kidding me
@[redacted]: look everyone, I know I screwed up, but don’t mess with me, I knew gandhi didn’t never eat or drink in his life
@[redacted]: you all think gandhi would’ve endorsed this shit
@[redacted]: with great power comes great responsibility, gandhi said that, I’ve got great power, I am soft drinks
@[redacted]: @[redacted10] motherfucker
@[redacted]: @[redacted10] no, not you, I’m just frustrated, I’m sorry
@[redacted]:;
@[redacted]: retweet if you like soft drinks
@[redacted]: please
Kevin Lincoln is a writer in Los Angeles. Photo by Michael Holmes.