Why Brush Your Teeth With Chocolate When You Can Brush Your Teeth With California Wine or Bamboo

by Jeva Lange

Yesterday Crest announced the launch of new toothpaste flavors “Mint Chocolate Trek,” “Vanilla Mint Spark” and “Lime Spearmint Zest,” all of which are soooo boring if you know anything at all about the Wonderful World of Toothpaste Flavors.

Here is a list of actual toothpastes that you can put in your mouth in the furtherance of dental cleanliness. Never brush with boredom again.

• Bamboo
• Indian curry
• “Contains radioactive compound”
• Scotch
• California wine, including Chablis, Burgundy and Extra-dry Champagne flavors
• Crème de Café
• Irish cream
• Peppermint schnapps
• Foaming beer
• Green tea
• Pumpkin pudding
• Cupcake
• Tropical pine
• Cola
• Fresh yoghurt
• Honey
• White peach
• Kyoto Matcha
• Caramel
• “Lightly Salted”
• Kiwi
• Kishu Plum
• Pomegranate
• Lavender
• Grapefruit
• Bacon
• Nihilist (“No flavor. No color. Nothing. Like brushing your teeth with reality.”)
• Pickle
• Ginger mint
• Cinnamon mint
• Jasmine mint
• Licorice
• Coffee
• Eggplant
• Octopus

[Sources include this toothpaste world record holder, this store, this store, this store, this ebay sale, and this photo. The pink toothpaste photo is tarrytown’s.]