Pretend To Be Surprised: British People Don't Bathe

It would be very easy to treat the “surprising new figures” revealed by this survey that “more than a quarter of Britons never have a bath” as further evidence that the foul and pestilent dwellers of that benighted island are exactly as filth-encrusted and odoriferous as the rest of the world has so frequently chronicled in story and song, a vile and dungy people whose only experience of exfoliation comes when the sharp edge of the blade removes a layer of the cack-encrusted excrescence their medical professionals refer to as “skin,” but I wouldn’t want to encourage any stereotyping and also, not even civilized people take baths anymore. I think that fact that Britons are no longer inclined to lie around in a pool of their own putrid effluvia is one of the few redeeming things about the squalid shitpile they call home. It’s, like, that and English muffins. Otherwise it’s a barren wasteland lit only by the reflected glint of knives.