Guess Which Homo Is Going To See "Ender's Game" Tomorrow?

Spoiler, it’s me. I am going.

The Ender’s Game boycott movement has chugged along in its way. God bless! Yes, author Orson Scott Card is a hilariously foolish man, it’s really quite ridiculous his views on the gays. (And other things!)

But you don’t have to come out in favor of blacklists and HUAC to skip this boycott, which, somehow, this Cato Institute creepo David Bernstein fellow did, with all sorts of sneaky rhetorical tricks, like by equating a boycott with a blacklist. Apparently a boycott is like unconstitutional or something because it injures people, which, LOL, then what is capitalism? (He then prattles on about the oppression of political correctness. By the way, it’s such a giveaway when you put scarequotes around “hate speech”! If you really want to be a concern troll, you have to pretend to be an ally to start, before you twist the knife. Instead, you’re just a bad thinker.)

Hmm, but whatever should one watch instead, if one wishes to skip Ender’s Game? The Diana biopic is kind of a wreck, though Naomi Watts is charming and Sayid from “Lost” is terrific and totally unrecognizable. (But how can you go see a movie with a man who broke up with Barbara Hershey! Also it is a sick celebration of heterosexuality!) There’s that Richard Curtis movie about time travel, which is fine because it has Bill Nighy. Um, hmm, then there’s Last Vegas, which you should not see because of a thousand reasons. Both of these actually as well are heterosexual propaganda.

If you follow the money on these films, as proponents of a boycott are doing, it all goes to the same packed and icky corporate pockets anyway. Is the amount of money Universal, say, rakes in better for the gays than whatever scant points Card picked up on Ender’s Game? Have you ever seen a Michael Bay movie? In that case you have already failed to spend your money righteously.

But if you’re feeling squicky, and that’s reasonable, let’s try “gay offset credits.” If you’re spending $12 on a ticket to see Ender’s Game, give another $12 to your local homeless gay on the way. (Shouldn’t be hard to find.) Similarly if you’re paying $300 to see it in IMAX, give that to some worthy homofriendly cause. You’ll feel great, and everyone wins, except maybe your mind, because I can’t believe they spoiled the movie in its own trailer. What is wrong with these movie people? Let’s fight the real power and destroy Hollywood.