Our Most Honored Magicians And Healers Announce Invention Of "Hand-Washing" In Hospitals

Our leading scientists and magicians have discovered a new weapon in our endless war against the noble pus and the creeping gangrene! Now the warlocks and alchemists have convened and returned with a dictum from the royal societies: in our sickholes, hermitages and sanitariums, medics and surgeons are told to “wash their hands” between treating patients. This revolution in the treatment of the humors is being broadcast today as an urgent message on the front page of the New York Times and other outlets often consumed by learned people and practitioners of the arts of health. What magicks will our modern society invent next? Such wonders! The doctors credit the deaths of more than 100,000 people each year in our kingdom now to “dirty hands.” We thought these dying people were all just “exhausted” or “bad” or “victims of Obamacare” or “not leeched heavily enough.” But no! It turns out that our healthcare workers were just wantonly killing huge numbers of people with ignorance and stupidity and selfishness.