Are We Not Each A Customer Whilst We Are Using The Restroom?

Not that you asked, but when it comes to the more Labor-Intensive aspect of availing myself of the Facilities, as it were, I generally prefer to handle my Business, if you will, at home, in the privacy therein and so forth. Every once in awhile, in my workaday world, in an extreme circumstance, I may find a need to be alone with my thoughts while in an office environment, uncomfortable as I may be with the entire process. It helps to read most of this in a phony English accent, I think, like one of those powdered-wig lawyers on Public Television. Go on, start over and see if it helps. No? Worse? Yeah, sorry, at this point, I am starting to hallucinate-smell some of those “air freshener” things in Public Restrooms, bleagh. Anyway.

I’m not trying to bring this up to make anybody feel bad or anything, it’s all natural and whatever, and when you feel the need, you should be Taking Care of Business, don’t put any additional strain on yourself, you know? It’s not healthy. I’m addressing the worst, emergency-level aspect of “Needing a Loo,” in the words of the “Patsy” character on “Absolutely Fabulous,” which might be why I think about going to a Public Restroom in an English Accent, I dunno. I don’t think the subject has ever come up on “Doctor Who,” you know? It’d probably just be a sound-effect. Maybe on “Downton Abbey,” but I haven’t watched too many of those.

An article like this — “The Last Office Taboo for Women: Doing Your Business at Work” — ,which centers on equal rights, does not address the fundamental problem, which is one should resist employing an office bathroom for the more, shall we say, prolonged aspects of bathroomery in an office situation unless it’s an emergency, or for medical reasons of infirmity, or you’re there in the office for ridiculous amounts of time over a “normal” workday because you need to keep your job. You’re supposed to be on a schedule, for your health.

If you are out there in The World, and you need to excuse yourself, then you have to find a place you can count on as available and serviceable. Personally, if you don’t have any reliable options, I think you should almost always try and find a McDonalds, because they have the Minimum Requirement of Lavatory, in my opinion. I’ve seen a lot of WCs at places such as, but not limited to: Arby’s, Taco Bell, Denny’s, Roy Rogers, Pizza Hut, Burger King, Wendy’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Arthur Treacher’s, etc., and I think McDonalds provides in general, one of the least horrifying places to unwind, or whatever. I have officially failed to keep up the euphemisms.

This country does not have an official system of Public Restrooms unless you are driving on a superhighway, and it is one of the things that separates us from the Old World, where they have been dealing with these issues for what, millions of years? Europe is old, man, they have mastered Life in all of its disgusting aspects and they don’t get all weird about it like we do here, except of course with our dogs, which in America get to go wherever they want and you’re an animal hater if you complain about somebody with their damn dog soiling your lawn.

Look, the most important thing here is I am here to help. I have Unlimited Bathroom Credit at McDonalds. I have eaten at McDonald’s almost as many times as they have hamburgers served, and I contend that gives me Bathroom Credit, because I have been to McDonald’s bunches of times and never hit the restroom, and I’m not even counting the drive-thru, I’m talking about in-store appearances, so even if you have never gone to a McDOnald’s you should consider yourself my guest if you ever need a Necessary Room in the civilized World, OK? I might get some cards printed up.

Mr. Wrong can converse with you via many medias. Unnecessary signage photo by “weegeebored.”