What To Take For Existential Aches

You know that uneasy feeling you get every time you suddenly remember that nothing really matters, that every second of pain and suffering you struggle through each day — and even those all-too-rare moments of feeling something like, if not joy, not complete and utter hopelessness — ultimately means nothing? That both the good you’ve done and the evil you do (and, of course, the stunning mediocrity and selfishness that make up the bulk of your achievements while that sack of meat you shuffle around takes up space here on Earth) will eventually count for zero, and almost certainly sooner rather than later? That from the moment you are born, every event you experience — the sorrow, the shame, the anguish, the boredom — is just another meaningless box to check on your way to extinction? Well, take a Tylenol: you’ll feel better. [NOTE: Except for you serious drinkers out there; you might explode your liver. (Also, oh my God, you should seriously read about this study: it involves prostitutes, dental pain and David Lynch, which I guess is just like life.)]