Iran's Space Monkey Returned To Earth As Different Monkey

The heroic Iranian monkey who supposedly rode a rocket into space last week returned to Earth with strange new powers. For instance, the monkey’s distinctive face mole was completely gone when the creature was photographed by government officials upon landing. The creature’s white-blonde hair had changed to brunette, too, much like the hair of Moses changed from black to white after he spotted the Hebrew God cowering under a bush. What other mutant powers could the Persian primate have developed while exposed to dangerous gamma rays or whatever, in orbit?

The Times of London doubts the superhero animal’s mysterious changes occurred in space. Could the sneaky Iranians have actually used two monkeys to trick the world, one to kill on a broken rocket and another to parade around to the government-run media?

Before the alleged launch the official Fars news agency and other state-controlled media published several photographs of the monkey — with a distinctive red mole above its right eye and a band of light fur around the side of its head wearing some sort of spacesuit and strapped into the seat that would carry it heavenwards. Fast forward to the post-flight press conference, at which the regime introduced the heroic astro-monkey. The mole has gone, as has the band of light fur. It is manifestly a different creature.

And with much of the world’s intelligence apparatus aimed at Iran’s regime, there’s no evidence Tehran even launched a rocket on the day in question. If the mighty United States was forced to fake so many moon landings, how would our evil enemies the Iranians figure out how to get a rocket into Heaven?