Farewell To Our Beloved Nazi Pope

For the first time since the Middle Ages, the bishop of Rome is quitting rather than let God decide when it’s time for a new pope. Let’s celebrate the remarkable career of Joseph Benedict, a lowly Nazi who somehow ended up presiding over the Catholic Church’s global sex-abuse coverup and its 21st century jihad against gay people.

The Pope’s leadership of 1.2 billion Catholics has been beset by child sexual abuse crises that tarnished the Church, one address in which he upset Muslims and a scandal over the leaking of his private papers by his personal butler.

The last time a pope punked out, it was in the year 1415 — a magical time when there were two popes, one in France at a very fancy castle and another in Rome. Before that, there was the famous quitting of Celestine V in 1294. Celestine was a character in Dante’s The Divine Comedy.

Pope Benedict XVI, as Ratzinger was known on Twitter, plans to spend more time with his nonexistent family and children.