New Coca-Cola Ads Wondering How You All Got So Fat

Here is a disgusting fact you probably don’t think enough about, unless you’re Michael Bloomberg resting between other public tragedies such as climate change and the slaughter of children: The primary source of calories for Americans is “caloric beverages.” Meaning, on top of all the repulsive processed food and industrial fat-meat Americans eat around the clock, corn-syrup drinks provide the largest percentage of calories per American.

Coca-Cola, which adds corn syrup to water at factories around the world, is finally spending your money to buy commercials on the cable-news channels to tell you about this problem.

“Today, we’d like people to come together on something that concerns all of us: obesity,” says a soothing female voice over images of smiling Americans and Coca-Cola products. “The long-term health of our families and the country is at stake.”

Coca-Cola executives announced that as of tomorrow, all sweetened fizzy drinks will be voluntarily recalled and never again manufactured, while “hydration stations” featuring cool, clear water from local sources will be made available at all public and private schools, hospitals and farmers markets thanks to a $7.3 billion endowment from the soda giant. Just kidding, ha ha, the commercial on cable-news channels watched by people in their 70s, that’s the whole anti-obesity campaign.