The Calendar of Fancy New York Media Holiday Parties!

“Is the recession really and truly over,” is what we began to ponder, Carrie Bradshaw-style, as the invitations to holiday parties began to overflow our inboxes. “Kind of,” is the answer! Because we were pondering that at the same time as the New York Times was planning to lay people off and Rupert Murdoch was shuttering The Daily. So kind of not.

We also learned that there is no party-planning communication between different media outlets. December 12th? You are a holiday NIGHTMARE. Let’s look!

As you know from previous years, don’t bother trying to crash these parties. They’ve got those open bars locked down tighter than a [mildly lewd holiday metaphor about reindeer goes here].

December 6th

• BBC Holiday Cocktails, at the BBC offices
This is the only party where there’ll be “shenanigans.” (That and the Guardian’s, presumably.) English folks understand the importance of getting wasted and fondling each other in the chilly months between Michaelmas and Christmas. Their invite’s slogan: “Eat Drink and Be Merry.”

December 10th

• The Awl Contributor Holiday Shindig
Some terrible bar
“Good job, good effort”: There’s a rumor this wee holiday party might even have an open bar for a small portion of the evening! Probably not though. If only these losers had VC money to waste on liquor!

December 11th

• Tablet Magazine’s Hanukkah Party
Rockwood Music Hall
Finally, someone made a list of Jews and rounded them all up. Invite slogan: “Celebrate with Candles, Cocktails and Your Friends.”

• Refinery 29
The Parlour.
Junior staff will be forced to wear sale outfits and stand under signs that say “BUY NOW.”

• Riverhead and Granta
These do-gooders are having a holiday party — that’s a BENEFIT. Totally not in keeping with the season. You are welcome to attend!
A Holiday Benefit for PEN
$15! At the Brooklyn Brewery

• “Exclusive Tasting at House of Walker Hosted by Johnny Walker for Friends of Business Insider”
This holiday party was either spam or, more likely, Business Insider sold their list to Johnny Walker. That is a really daring piece of revenue production. They really are going to move to “profit mode” someday!
8:30 PM on Tuesday, December 11, 2012.

December 12th

• Buzzfeed
The Varick Room at Tribeca Cinemas.
This party will feature a parade of deformed animals — tragic cats with broken faces, goats with two-and-a-half legs and tiny, miserable ponies — all desperate for a shovel to the back of the head. Instead of putting them down, Buzzfeed employees will take pictures of them and make slideshows. Invite slogan: “Open bar and passed hors d’oeuvres all night long!”

• The New York Observer
6 to 8 p.m., at No. 8
This two-hour party takes place at “the nightclub formerly known as Bungalow 8.” This is a step up. Last year they had the party at that terrible place where Drake hit Chris Brown with a bottle while evil robot Rihanna laughed.

• The Verge
Tanlines and DJ Trent play at Angel Orensanz Foundation.
This party is notable for actually being one that you really do want to attend.

• New York magazine
At ACME.
The more successful and money-minting that New York magazine has become, the quieter the magazine and its editor Adam Moss have gotten. This discreet affair is family only: no malformed cats, no hip bands, just caviar and diamonds for everyone. In the wee hours, editorial director Jared Hohlt will lay hands on each attendee, and any person found worthy will have a limb turn to gold.

• Felix Salmon’s holiday party
Surly Reuters bon vivante will mix the business, media and art worlds at his home. If you crash, just wear something outlandish and carry a big bottle of liquor, he’ll be unable to turn you away.

December 13th

• Melville House Holiday Party
At their delightful offices.
Melville House, the quiet publisher with the genius business model, will pelt party-goers with out-of-copyright manuscripts. Whichever book you’re left holding at the end of the night, you have 25 minutes to write a press release and attractively reissue it to the market.

December 14th

• Gawker Media Holiday Party
The Bowery Hotel
For employees and their current sex partners only. Will feature a really big Big Board, where editors and writers will have their yearly traffic numbers displayed. At midnight, Nick Denton and Erin Pettigrew will execute the losers. After midnight, a “Boxing Day” stage of the party begins. With boxing. In which deposed former Gawker editors will be brought out to be pummeled by mighty Gawker pugilist Hamilton Nolan. Start doing super squats now, Remy Stern!

• Huffington Post/AOL
Skylight at Moynihan Station
Be there or be TERMINATED. There will be sweaters. (Also! A hot rumor that there will be a private — and therefore better — HuffPo-only party.)

December 18th

• Artforum and Bookforum holiday party
Pravda
Always a winter wonderlanderful mix of advertisers and filthy-haired freelancers, this over-subscribed party is basically a Learning Annex class for how to sexually molest strangers on the subway. But! Pravda promises to be a delicious location. Invite slogan: “with cocktails and hors d’oeuvres.” Oh I’m sure.

Got one to add? Sure you do! Drop us a line or a tweet! Discretion assured.