Football Pick Haikus For Week 14
Thursday, December 6
Denver -10 At Oakland
Peyton Manning will
recreate the flashlight scene
from Manhandled 4. PICK: RAIDERS
Sunday, December 9
At Washington -2.5 Baltimore
Bet on RG3;
fix your Fiscal Cliff! Lead us
to a late field goal. PICK: REDSKINS
At Cleveland -6.5 Kansas City
Brandon Weeden is
actually pretty good and
he can fly my sleigh. PICK: BROWNS
At Pittsburgh 6.5 San Diego
The Chargers get to
continue playing football
games for some reason PICK: STEELERS
At Indianapolis -5.5 Tennessee
One is supposed to
Remember the Titans but
it’s just boring to. PICK: COLTS
NY Jets -2.5 At Jacksonville
The Jets should just keep
on winning so I don’t have
to read about next year. PICK: JAGS
Chicago -3 At Minnesota
The Bears should win but
they should have won last week, too.
Plus I like purple. PICK: VIKINGS
Atlanta -3.5 At Carolina
The Falcons are the
best worst team I can think of
since the Pet Shop Boys. PICK: FALCONS
At Tampa Bay -7.5 Philadelphia
The Eagles go on
the road and should not ever
return to Philly PICK: BUCS
At Buffalo -3 St. Louis
The Rams defense is
pretty good, but Bills possess
a strange red allure. PICK: BILLS
At Cincinnati -3 Dallas
Dez Bryant is a
great receiver, but Tony
Romo’s Ebola. PICK: BENGALS
At San Francisco -10 Miami
If Miami beats the
spread I will rename my
penis Don Shula. PICK: DOLPHINS
At NY Giants -5 New Orleans
Giants turn Drew Brees
into a tasty pate.
Hey! That ain’t gumbo! PICK: GIANTS
At Seattle -10 Arizona
The Cardinals have lost
like 7 in a row which
is not an easy thing PICK: CARDS
At Green Bay -7 Detroit
Lambeau Field should have
those snow machines so that the
tundra’s always frozen. PICK: PACKERS
Monday, December 10
At New England -3.5 Houston
The Patriots will
probably lose this game just
to make me worry PICK: PATS
Last week’s Haiku Picks went 9–7. That’s 91–98–4. New goal: let’s break even!
Jim Behrle tweets at @behrle for your possible amusement.