British Thugs Rob Famous Prison Tower

English stabbies are so bored with their usual bedlam that they’ve begun robbing famous prisons. The Tower of London, the British Empire’s beloved historical place to torture its political dissidents, was the target of a bold thief who stole the Tower’s keys on Guy Fawkes Night. The keys open not only the locks on the drawbridges, but also the doors to the tourist restaurant and a conference room — perhaps the very conference room where Henry VIII had Anne Boleyn executed in 1536.

Stealing a set of keys may sound “stupid” to Yank ears, but the ancient Tower of London is well known for the daily “Ceremony of the Keys,” which is some kind of bizarre ritual performed daily by the “beefeaters,” a group of historically costumed security guards who are, of course, prohibited from going after thieves “as strict rules mean they cannot leave their post to give chase.”

But rest assured, the thief who walked off with the unholy keys did not molest the feared and horrible Crown Jewels, which include the demonic 105-carat Koh-i-Nur diamond. The Tower of London and what remains of the British Empire will fall when the six resident ravens leave the cursed place. Until then, the sinister corvids are each fed “170 grams of raw meat a day, plus bird biscuits soaked in blood.”