8 Ideas That Will Fix Everything (Sandy, Etc.)

Did you get your Hurricane Sandy mementos yet? A whimsical “I survived Hurricane Sandy” mousepad is one of many excellent ideas floating around, post-storm, and we have gathered a few others you might want to implement immediately:

1. Marathon contestants are welcome, but during the run they must wear BabyBjörns filled with supplies to be delivered door-to-door along the route.
2. Outlawed giant soda cups can be used to scoop dead baby rats from your drinking water.
3. Paul Ryan, who seems like he needs something to do this weekend, can bench press old people back and forth to their apartments.
4. Time for zombie cosplay! Get 10,000 of your friends to fill a tunnel, like in The Stand or something. Halloween is rescheduled!
5. Somebody on the radio said a lot of leafy produce would “go to landfills.” Do one of those pop-up salad restaurants, at a landfill. Help the Staten Island economy!
6. Make a video of yourself telling jokes in an empty room and send it to Hollywood talent scouts, with the claim that you were “a guest on Letterman during the hurricane.”
7. Use this crisis-generated moment of community friendliness to start a walking club. Hey, you have to walk for miles and miles anyway. Might as well call it a club.
8. Try to get a flight and then try to get to the airport, so you can go somewhere else for a while. You could also walk to California, with this guy.