Other Things Missouri Representative Todd Akin Believes To Be True About The Uterus, Besides Its...

Other Things Missouri Representative Todd Akin Believes To Be True About The Uterus, Besides Its Ability To “Shut Down” A Legitimate Rape

by Mallory Ortberg

• The average uterus is “cash only.”

• When provoked or frightened, a uterus emits a high-pitched scream that instantly stuns its attacker.

• The natural enemies of the uterus are the locust, the hawk, the carpenter ant, and the witch.

• It is possible to use a uterus to determine the nearest source of fresh water or magnetic North but not both.

• A uterus will freeze at any temperature below that of 15C.

• The touch of a uterus will blight and cripple the oak, the pine, and the larch for a generation. A cactus is impervious to the uterus’ touch.

• A uterus that has come into the full realization of its powers can only be killed by the seventh son of a seventh son. However, he cannot be Jewish.

• It is possible to summon an inhabitant of the drowned city of Atlantis by blowing upon a uterus like a conch shell. This can be done only once.

• No uterus can survive under the gaze of a wizard; it will wither and shrivel into a harmless stone mask (do not attempt to wear the mask).

• The more uteruses a woman can collect during her lifetime, the higher her status, and the more servants she will command, among the dead.

• “It all” is stored within the uterus of a single righteous woman in every generation. Could she be found and cut open, women everywhere would then “have it all.”

• A uterus cannot enter a public library or pass in front of a Wendy’s during business hours.

• A uterus that has been attacked or divided into several parts can, given enough time, regenerate the lost tissue and develop rudimentary powers of speech (Spanish only).

• You can substitute up to three tablespoons’ worth of a uterus for any recipe that calls for baking soda.

• If trapped outside of a female body and unable to find food, a uterus is capable of living off of its own tissue for up to 80 days.

• Like the mythical tent of Peri-Banou, a uterus can contract to fit within the palm of a human hand or expand to cover an entire jousting field.

• A woman born with two or no uteruses is left exposed to the elements in the nearest forest. Should she attempt to return home she will be hunted by the elders of her village.

• A uterus is capable of holding up to twelve ounces of venom but cannot experience the human feeling of regret.

• No uterus can bear the touch of salt, or the smell of the sea.

Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. Her work has also appeared on Slacktory and Ecosalon; Kate McKean’s her agent.