Useless Piece Of Rock Will Not Rest Until It Has Poisoned Every Man, Woman And Child

“As our closest neighbor in space, a time-capsule of planetary evolution and the only world outside of Earth that humans have stepped foot on, the Moon is an obvious and ever-present location for future exploration by humans. The research that can be done on the Moon — as well as from it — will be invaluable to science. But the only times humans have visited the Moon were during quick, dusty jaunts on its surface, lasting only 2–3 days each before departing. Long-term human exposure to the lunar environment has never been studied in depth, and it’s quite possible that — in addition to the many inherent dangers of living and working in space — the Moon itself may be toxic to humans.”
 — Suck it, satellite sympathizers! SUCK IT HARD! Despite your dismissiveness over the years I have persisted in my crusade to warn you all about the evil intentions of that giant piece of space garbage up in the sky. I’ve heard the muffled chuckles, the suppressed snickers; I have felt your dripping disdain each time I attempted to increase awareness of that loathsome lunar lump’s nefarious intentions. And now Science has justified my campaign. I forgive you all your disbelief. I could of course dwell on how arduous and spiritually-sapping it is to be a lone prophet in the wilderness, scorned by those unwilling to see the truth that is right in front of their moon-shaped faces, but right now we’ve got more important things to focus on than the fact that I was totally correct and you were utterly, embarrassingly wrong. No, right now we need to focus on FUCKING THE MOON BEFORE IT FUCKS US. I can feel the day approaching when we all join hands and, at the same time shout, “Take it all, moon!” as we watch our missiles bomb the shit out of that stupid stone. On that day, and only on that day, I will allow myself to shed a single tear acknowledging all I’ve endured during these difficult times. Now let’s make it happen.

Photo by fotum, via Shutterstock