The Secret Conversations Of Plants

“New research suggests plants not only respond to sound but communicate with each other with ‘clicking’ noises. It is yet more evidence that while they appear to be passively swaying in the breeze, plants are in fact actively communicating with each other in a constant chatter…. Plants are known to grow towards light, and research earlier this year from Exeter University found cabbage plants emitted a volatile gas to warn others of danger such as caterpillars or garden shears. But the researchers say this is the first solid evidence they have their own language of noises, inaudible to human ears.”

Plant # 1: I am a plant!

Plant # 2: I am also a plant!

Plant # 1: I am a plant!

Plant # 2: Yes, me too.

Plant # 1: Do you know which way the light is? I enjoy photosynthesis!

Plant # 2: I believe the light is this way! Follow the clicking noises I am making! Click click!

Plant # 1: I am a plant!

Plant # 2: Yeah, uh, I think I got it.

Plant # 1: I am a plant!

Plant # 2: Sigh.

Plant # 1: What is that awful smell?

Plant # 2: Danger! I am emitting gas to alert us to danger! A caterpillar is coming!

Plant # 1: I am a plant!

Plant # 2: Listen, there’s a goddamn caterpillar coming. You’re gonna be a chewed up plant in a minute! Do something!

Plant # 1: What am I going to do? I am a plant! I should what, run away?

Caterpillar: Hey fellas, let’s make this easy. Which one of you is a plant?

Plant # 2: [Remains silent]

Plant # 1: I am a plant! Ooops.

Caterpillar: What a schmuck. [Eats Plant # 1]

Plant # 1: Oh, cruel cruel world. I die, I die. I was a plant! [Dies]

Plant # 2: Ah, well, alone again.

Plant # 3: I am a plant!

Plant # 2: Sigh.

[Curtain]

Copyright © 2012 Tony Kushner. All rights reserved.

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