How To Fix The 'New York Post'

Although I’m huge on newspapers, no New York newspaper seems to fit my demographic: aging socialist who only wants to read the Sports Page and Garfield. I give up on newspapers ruthlessly and as permanently as I can. The Boston Globe and The New York Times were the first to go by the wayside. The Globe because The New York Times destroyed it, and then The Times because of their craven build-up to the Iraq War. That, and all their annoying Brooklyn trend pieces. I read the Boston Herald in Boston, minus the entire front section (except the always-enjoyable “The Inside Track,” because I want to know what Matt Damon and Donnie Wahlberg are up to). And I read The Wall Street Journal until recently, when it just got too expensive and too cumbersome to read on the subway. It was like building a tent inside a crowded submarine. I went with the New York Daily News for a while, but their sports page sucks and their politics aren’t much better. So I went back to the Post even though it represents everything I despise in a tabloid newspaper. But such a great sports section.

What’s a manchild to do? I came up with a solution to the Problem by Un-Posting the Post.

1. Here’s your New York Post. It was barely trying to do anything yesterday — Slow News Month.

2. Open it at the centerfold.

3. Cut it in half wildly with scissors.

4. Add Page Six.

5. Add Garfield.

6. Flip over.

7. Staple crazily.

7.5. Or — as I discovered after some beta testing — if you leave wider gutters, you can use clips.

8. You’re good to go.

Jim Behrle tweets at @behrle for your possible amusement.