Tim Riggins in Space

This is a smart excavation of the marketing campaign for John Carter, and this is an excellent point: “Because the Barsoom books were so influential to cinema’s greatest sci-fi auteurs, just about everything in it had already been plundered and reused by other hits. And as a result, the more that was revealed of John Carter, the more derivative it looked, even if its source had originated these ideas.” Totally true! And though this report of course cares more about box office and industry stuff, none of which people who love movies should actually care about, there’s more about what’s wrong with the packaging: the early trailer came in hot about the Civil War, and if there’s one thing youngish audiences could not care less about, its the Civil War. (Except, you know: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Which: see you there! Yes, please!) Except that trailer is actually good, otherwise. But there’s more: the title, for another thing, just doesn’t work. “John Carter” isn’t.. anything. It’s not even memorable. All I could remember was John Connor, because Terminator as mythology looms large. Even apart from its multiple attempts at packaging itself as an action movie, a scifi movie, a romance movie, the movie itself ends up being conflicted on what it is. It wanted to be a campy romp, and as the movie progresses, it gets more outlandish and silly, in a good way. (That’s after Taylor Kitsch spends half an hour in a harness and a loincloth, and his Mars princess is in this… I dunno, tiny breast diaper?) But then also it sort of wants to be… a YA art film? The weirdest thing of all is that John Carter isn’t actually a bad movie at all. The plot itself is expertly managed; it’s not, you know, particularly intellectually enlightening, but there’s nothing really wrong with it. It’s just neither fish nor fowl. But if you’re up for an hour of Taylor Kitsch’s nipples, you’re definitely in luck!