10 Things I Believed When I Was A Little Kid In Order Of How Embarrassing They Still Are When I...

10 Things I Believed When I Was A Little Kid In Order Of How Embarrassing They Still Are When I Remember Them Today

10. Lucille Ball (the black-and-white one I saw in the afternoons on the days I stayed home from school sick) and my grandmother were the same person, just at different ages.

9. The pristine Olivia Newton-John at the beginning of Grease was more appealing than trashy Olivia Newton-John at the end, and either of them were preferable to Stockard Channing.

8. The cancellation of “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century” was the greatest tragedy in American television history.

7. The episode of “Mama’s Family” where Mama’s family went on “Family Feud” was the most amazing, postmodern event in American television history.

6. There was enough of an appreciable difference in the flavors of vanilla and chocolate Stella D’Oro Margherite cookies that they were worth fighting over.

5. The part about “Brenda and Eddie” in the middle section of Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” was actually about a woman named “Brenda Renetti.”

4. When Miss Mary from Romper Room said my name at the end of the show and that she saw me, she truly did.

3. The song “Someone’s in the Kitchen with Dinah” was written about Dinah Shore.

2. The sweetness and love that I felt at home and felt for those at home in return would be duplicated on a larger scale in the wider world and so long as I was smart and kind and treated people the right way everything would work out fine and nothing would ever hurt more than the night I was sent to bed without being able to watch “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” because I was bad, even though in those days it meant you wouldn’t get to see it again for a whole year, and also no one that I cared about would ever disappear from my life, and that when I got older I would build a big bunch of houses on the same property so that everyone in my family could live next to each other, and that would be the happiest thing of all.

1. Superman needed his cape to fly.

Alex Balk was a remarkably stupid child.