Some Lines Written Upon Learning That I Have Again Been Passed Over As PEOPLE's Sexiest Man Alive

This tragic day has once more showed
How that which should be mine’s bestowed
Upon an undeserving guy
Who’s much less sexiest than I

This insolence I can’t abide
It simply cannot be denied:
There is no other fellow who
Outsexies this Italian Jew

In style and grace and pure appeal
My sexiness from head to heel
No other man could e’er possess;
I mean, the dude from Limitless?

What kind of cruel and horrid prank
To play upon one of my rank
To think that there could ever be
Someone as sexiest as me?

It violates all common sense
To somehow spurn my mesmerance
How are they able to ignore
The sexiness that’s at my core?

Forget my dark and piercing eyes
My muscly, well-developed thighs
My peaked brow, my lantern jaw
These sexy pecs that flout the law

Discard the languages I speak
(Although they range from French to Greek)
And set aside my sparkling wit:
My sexy face is HOT AS SHIT