Huge Drama Queen Julian Assange Forcibly Births Memoir

“It will be difficult to keep anger out of this account, owing to the sheer level of malice and opportunism that have driven the case against me, but I want to make this argument as much as possible in a spirit of understanding.”
 — Huge drama queen Julian Assange dramatically loses fight to suppress dramatic memoir, which arrives tomorrow. He apparently writes like a really gay Charles Dickens. (“I wasn’t a reliable boyfriend, or even a very courteous sleeping partner, and this began to figure.”) Sounds sort of like a half-assed Trollope, right?