There Is Still Grasshoppering To Be Done!

Are you having a good Summer? I hope you are, and not just because I am enjoying having an awesome Summer, seriously, and the best part is it ain’t over yet! Arrooo! Yeah, man, it is, like, only August 11 right now, and I am in my castle wearing a bathing suit and as soon as I finish writering-up this Column I’m going upstairs to my Refrigerator to tap out another serving of my New Best Friend, Franzia Chillable Red, yow! It’s like Wine, except it is sweet enough to drink a lot of, you know? Plus it comes in a Carbon Box! Ecology! Bottles are not cool if you are fixing to be poolside, which is why I’m wearing my bathing suit, man, because it is Summer! Yeah! Really man, no glass around the pool, this is not the first time I have mentioned this, OK?

Look, some people are Summer-poopers and they only want to focus on how it’s gonna be the F-word pretty soon, and I’m like are you kidding me? It’s Summer! What the hell is your problem?

Sure, I am totally the goddamn Grasshopper in the fable about the Grasshopper or whatever that enjoyed Summer while the Ant Worked Hard to be able to do what, enjoy Winter? No offense, but do you know how many more clothes you have to wear in the Winter? Hey, howabout working all Winter to enjoy Summer, hah? Did you ever think of that, Ant? Yeah, exactly. Don’t get all Aesop on me while I am Enjoying Summer, man, I’m not the one counting how many less minutes of daylight is at the end of the day, I mean Jesus, Mary, and Watermelon, man, do you know how many mega-factors times Infinity that kind of Thinking is in terms of being a Half-Empty Glass of Water-arian? Negativity, man, it has no place in my Summer, you know?

I’m gonna grill a whole chicken on my grill, man, outdoors in the Summer! My kitchen won’t get all smokeyed-up and I won’t have to go after the smoke alarm with a broom handle, you know? Summer! Out-of-doors stuff! Corn!

And seriously, look at all this indoors stuff going on right now with those bozos in the Stock Market, do you know who much more depressing this would all be if it was Winter? I can watch Big Brother XIII out on the porch and not even get pissed-off about Julie Chen’s blabbering when it is the Summer, you know? Summer is about Positivity, not Counting Down until the End of Fun! I might even go to the drive-in movies this weekend, wowee! You can’t do that shit in the Winter and expect it to be Good Times, you know? When you go to the Drive-ins it doesn’t matter what the movie is because you are at the Drive-ins!!! The Power of Summer! Bring bug spray, though.

Meanwhile, I am not disparaging on any other Season you may care to enjoy. Spring is lovely, the Autumn has crisp air and stylish new jeans to fit your butt, Winter has… Aah, wait: Fuck Winter.

All’s I’m saying is Summer is the only one where people can’t wait to be all Debbie Downer with their Facts about how much less hot it is getting (even taking into account Global Hottening) and the less daylight, and then the Big FU to Summer, the Back-To-School bullshit. What is it with this BTS Industry, man? They (and you know who They are) already got the clowns on the “Today” show squawking about goddamn School, and the going back to it! I ain’t never going back, man, it’s Summer! Why are you Harshing on the Mellows of so many Schoolchildren, many of whom are only now shaking off the effects of Scholastic Incarceration, when all they wanna do is be roasting a marshmallow while sitting around a Summertime campfire? That’s some kind of Child Abuse, really, to be cranking out the BTS Propaganda in the second week of August, Summertime. Save it for Labor Day weekend, you know?

There is way more sweating to be done, more skin to spray sunblock on, more weenies to roast, more ice cold beers to slide into Koozies, man, don’t listen to all those Ants out there telling you it’s over, OK? Nothing is over! Go, Summer!

Mr. Wrong can converse with you via many medias.