At The Multiplex: Some Movie Pitches For Hollywood!
by Jeff Johnson
Is there anything playing in movie theaters this summer? I love Owen Wilson, but seeing him strolling in Dockers in that Midnight in Paris poster turned me off. I loved Bridesmaids, though I was disheartened to hear some of the dialogue they expected me to believe Jill Clayburgh’s character would say. Also, it could have been whittled down from its six-hour running time. Beyond that, there’s what? Are you really going to see Thor and Green Lantern? If it’s not a sequel to a kids movie or a film about a superhero, it’s just not in theaters. That’s a shame. Here’s a handful of movie ideas that would put dozens of asses in seats.
More Than They Could Chew: Nope. Not a vampire movie. Unless you want a vampire in there. Wouldn’t be too hard. No, this is like The Social Network, II. Only it’s about the fast-paced, volatile, tech-y world of URL-shortening companies, like Bit.ly. It is the Bit.ly story, actually. I’m pretty sure. Lots of hot 20-something men with short tempers, eating Quiznos at picnic tables outside their offices and chasing millions and also billions of dollars around Silicon Valley as they attempt to come up with the world’s shortest URL shortener. There’d be a lot of verbal sparring and pressure-filled situations with saucy dialogue like: “Screw TinyURL!” and “We’ve got to make it shorter!” and “That’s not good enough, Tony!” and “That URL and 50 cents wouldn’t get you on the bus, Phillips.” Bradley Cooper and Donnie Wahlberg star, and Kevin Bacon (or Kevin Costner) has a cameo (subplot alert) as an alcoholic who invented a search engine that was popular in the 1990s, except someone used it to find and kidnap his daughter. He advises these guys when he is not totally wasted. Tagline: Short URL, even shorter fuse.
Pancake & Abu: Did you know that Osama bin Laden has a completely harmless and innocent brother who is totally into capitalism, drinks Diet Mountain Dew, has a Hooters credit card and owns a Saab wagon? Only problem is he is a total moron. Like blowing-his-own-fingers-off-with-fireworks type of moron. And he’s stuck in Pakistan. And a rogue security agent (Steven Seagal) from a U.S. mercenary force is after him, and so are Pakistani government spies. Only one man, the permanently exasperated Duane Pancake (Bruce Willis), who is only days away from retiring as a Navy Seal instructor, can bring him to safety and/or a Congressional Medal of Honor (let’s say he narked on ObL). This is a buddy movie with explosive laughs and… real explosives. (P.S. The guy doesn’t have to be a moron. He could be a hot woman, played by M.I.A. in her first big screen role — I know she’s not of Middle Eastern descent but we’re trying to put asses in seats, remember? — and the whole theme could change from ha-ha to covert and steamy make-out sessions. Sorry to be so heteronormative. I guess Bruce Willis could make out with the dude.)
Tom Hanks (working title): This is about an award-winning Hollywood actor whose work had deep social impact, made us laugh and cry in dozens of different roles. He throws himself into his work, only to wake-up one day when he’s, like, 55 to discover that his son is maybe one of the most ridiculed rappers in the Northern Hemisphere. There’s a lot of hugging after this, and also some joyful reconciliatory rides on a Vespa after the son decides to do something sensible like manage a Pier 1 Imports or become an actor himself.
Rabiesitter: This thing could be made for $900,000 and would get about $72 million at the box office. Basically, a young girl (Elle Fanning or an Elle Fanning-lookalike) was bitten by a dog (something unexpected, like a sheep dog) when she was young, or better yet, her best friend was killed by a cocker spaniel, while all the parents were drunk or doing some kind of beach dancing. I guess this feels kind of Lifetime-y. But this doesn’t: The Elle Fanning girl is of course mentally traumatized by this and grows up (seemingly normal) only, she steals rabies-viruses from a nearby lab, and injects it into the kids that she babysits… to lash back at absentee parents, or something? And the rabies materializes in the kids at the craziest times, like in the pool in the middle of a giant swim meet. Sick, right? I’m pretty sure Diablo Cody has already written this.
Three Brahs (Sag Harbor?): Edward Burns directs Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Gosling and Ryan Phillippe as three brothers who return to Long Island after fighting in an unnamed war. Or else they just work at a gas station. It’s summer and hot and they can’t wear shirts most of the time. And they don’t own any vehicle made after 1988. They listen to a lot of Springsteen and they fight all the time because they are in love with a waitress who pretends to be really poor but is actually super rich. Adrien Brody and Michael Phelps should be in this, somewhere, too.
DigDug: Live action film based on the Atari videogame. Shia LaBeouf or James Franco star as the mysterious Dig Dug who digs around below the earth’s surface, and maybe meets creatures that look like they came from Avatar. When Dig Dug blows up egg plants and carrots it is awesome, but it is also a metaphor for something about government subsidies for farms or something. This one has the least potential. It’s actually boring as shit.
Passed Ball: In a huge stretch, Kevin Costner stars as Colt, a normally not very articulate American relief pitcher, except when he is making up poems about drinking scotch from women’s body parts, and watching movies late at night on TNT. Something happens where he screws everything up and then redeems himself. This wouldn’t work if the bad something was, say, getting his daughter’s best friend, a high-school junior, pregnant. Unless her parents were cool with that. I picture him lying in a hammock most of the time, or even lying outside at twilight in matching bathtubs like in that one erectile dysfunction commercial. Only most of the time in the tub next to his, there’s a chimp or his pet St. Bernard, and Costner gives him these really wry bits of advice and life lessons. Julianne Moore plays the love interest who can’t believe she puts up with this crap. Gold statues of bald guys.
Jeff Johnson is mentally on summer vacation 12 months of the year.