The 99 Days Of Summer

It ain’t the heat, it’s the hotness of the humid.

I’m glad all the Basketball and Hockey (assuming the Riots are over) is done and now we can focus on Baseball, not because of Sports, but because Baseball = Summer, and Summer is my favorite. I know you know Summer is only three months long,* but when it’s really happening the right way, it is endless, eh? You know what I mean, like, no offense to those other seasons, but unless it’s a negative thing (as in: “Man, that day last winter, when I beat up all those cops and went to jail, that was a long-ass day”), there are no days that last as long as Summer ones, and that includes the nights, because that’s a big part of Summer too, just because you’re outdoors way more enjoying your day, right?

Yeah, Summer kicks ass, and I don’t care how hot it gets, man. I mean, I dunno if it’s Global Warming or whatever but where I am, it’s been over 100 degrees already a couple-three days and the corn isn’t even as high as an elephant’s eye or whatever equals later in the summer, and I will still take that over a Crisp Fall Day or goddamn Winter where it gets cold.

Summer! Less clothes!*** More fruits and vegetables that don’t come from Chile!**** And my favorite Summer driving activity: listening to other people’s car radios because Summertime is when people tend to drive around with their windows down so you can hear their Boomin’ System, and I know a lot of people are bothered by all the sub-woofing out there, but I dig it, except when the vehicle emitting all the sub-woofs is a little raggedy and all the trim and license plate and stuff are all sympathetically vibrating with the bass notes, but even then it’s kinda cool trying to identify which parts of the car are getting shook by the inaudible.*****

And the Booze of Summer, man, wowee, “Summer Booze, makes me feel fine,”****** you know? Arrooo! Summer drinkles are a mega-kabrillion times better than all three remaining Seasonals combinated! Are you kidding me? Refreshment, man, sweaty glasses fulla Planters Punch and Pimm’s Cup! And Gin! And Tonic! Beer, even. I still haven’t found the best kind of hooch that matches well with Mountain Dew, but I have all Summer to make that discovery!

You lose weight in the Summer because of all the sweating! It’s way easier to smoke outside! There’s more daylight, so you are less Seasonal Light Deprivation Disordered! There’s no serious taxes or politics in the Summer! There’s no school sometimes even if you are a Teacher and even if you are a bonehead and end up in Summer School it’s not that bad, because Summer School is for boneheads so it’s easy!

C’mon, it’s fucking Summer! Let’s go out and get you some!*******

* By my Official Measurements, the season of Summer is Officially 99 days long, stretching from Memorial Day, turning over to get some sun on the other side right around Fourth of July, and then ending on Jerry Lewis Day.

** Which I cannot fucking believe: 1.) Jerry Lewis is quitting the Telethon before he dies, and 2.) the fucking Telethon is only gonna be six hours long.

*** OK, not always a good thing.

**** Not hating on Chile. Just saying Carbon Debits.

***** OK, kinda off-topic, but I went and saw the Jon Spencer Blues explosion a few months ago and it was surprising to see the guy in back at the sound board keeping time with the music and then every once in a while detonating this huge bass drop that is, along with incoherency and theremin breaks, sorta like a trademark of the JSBX.

****** Sing that quotable to the tune of “Summer Breeze,” by Seals & Crofts, but I recommend the Isley Bros. version because it’s even mellower, especially when you are hammered on Summer Breezes.

******* I’m all done with the asterisks. Thank you for reading and have a great fucking Summer, man, seriously. Hey, have two.