My Commencement Speech

It is around this time of year that I am pleased to remind The Public that I am available for speaking engagements at all manner of Commencement Ceremonies, be they for fancy-pants four-year Universities of Higher Learning or Two-Year Junior Colleges, like the one I went to. Also, Trade schools, GED programs, you name it, Hamburger f’ing University, man, if you’re looking for someone to address The Graduate and give them some sorta clue as to What’s Next, I am ready to travel to Your Town, USA, for a modest honorarium and confirmed accommodations at the nearest Best Western or full-on Holiday Inn, and not one of those Holiday Inn “express” joints, OK?

Anyway, it is around this time of year when all the graduates and graduatresses come down out of their Academic haze and ask themselves for the last time (or maybe the first time) if they Really “enjoyed” college: “What lies ahead? Will we have rainbows every day? How did I let my roomie talking me into wearing just my underpants under my rented Graduation gown?”

And look, I’m not saying I am an Expert Authority or Preeminent in a Field, I’m just saying one time I went to somebody’s graduation thing and they had the guy who played Rhoda’s dad on that teevee show “Rhoda,” with Valerie Harper, which was a spinoff of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” and had this guy who always did a really funny voice-only bit as “This is Carlton your doorman,” and he would talk to Rhoda over the intercom of her apartment, Lorenzo Music was the guy’s name, and he was also the voice of Garfield from the comics on some cartoons, but then they got Bill Murray for the Garfield movie because I guess the Carlton guy died, but anyway, Harold Gould was the commencement speaker to a bunch of graduates, so no offense to Harold Gould, but just saying, really, I’m not being a showoff or anything when I say I can do this, and I can’t remember a fucking word that Gould guy said, no offense, in his speech. I guess he opened with a joke, because you are always supposed to open with a joke to get the crowd loosened up or something, but like they say, man, the joke’s in your hand, and it’s got D-I-P-L-O-M-A scrivened upon it, and it cost somebody a lotta money, and now Baby Bird, you are supposed to flap your golden tassels and fly away into The Future, won’t you?

I also remember he was in the movie The Sting, staring Paul Newman and Robert Redford. Harold Gould, I’m talking about. He played a guy called “The Green Hornet” or something; in one scene a hooker was like “Hi Horney!” I think he also got a “Cold Case” and a “Nip/Tuck,” and he was definitely in the last version of Freaky Friday, so there’s a connect to Lindsay Lohans for you kids. Now they are calling her “Linnocent,” that’s a good one, yeah, this one blog is like “She’s drunk and braless,” which brings me back to the assembled graduates, right? Hiyo. Anyway, look man, Robert Redford, wow, he is really looking craggy these days, eh? I haven’t seen that movie he did about Abraham Lincoln’s mistress or whatever but I’ll definitely check it out on my Netflix.

OK, look, they set up these Commencement Speakers to stand up here and basically tell you what it’s like to be an Adult, and right away, you should be asking for a Partial Refund on your financial aid because like what the fuck have you been doing here in College, right? You take my dough for two-to-seven years and then you have some clown up here giving me The Speech to send me on my way? It’s bullshit, right? But really, the whole reason most of you even went to College is because you didn’t know what to do, I mean Linnocent Lohan didn’t get any College and she’s a success, seriously, because she is Out There getting it Done. She gets paid to be Out There, that is her Industry. A lot of you were like, “Well, I don’t know what to do, so I guess I will keep going to school until I figure that out,” and if that’s the case, then just go to school some more right away and then go Pro, right? Professional Schooler, whatever, Scholar, I know the word, be quiet, I get Paid to be up here talking, so just be quiet.

Let me give you a little bit on what it is to be an Adult who Graduated from stuff. Here’s how I start my day — better yet, here’s how I start my night, I brush my teeth, and look, if there’s anything you punks “take away” from this lecture today, please do not let me underscore the importance of good Dental Hygiene. Maintaining Good Dental Health is one of the things that sets us (as in, U.S.) apart from many other Nations of the World. I’m not saying we’re perfect or anything, I voted Democrat last time so I know what’s going on with the rest of the Planet, I’m just saying have you looked on Google for the thing with brushing your teeth on the regular and Heart Attacks and stuff? It’s right there, you don’t need College for this one, it’s like, if you don’t clean your teeth, all that garbage that passes over ’em on the way to your Digestive Tract and, ultimately, Your Bloodstream, all that food and a lot of other stuff that really isn’t food, if you know what I mean, all that stuff leaves trails in your mouth, man, sediment or whatever, and that crap builds up on your teeth and beneath — down below your gumline, and you can forget Terrorism, man, because Below The Gumline, that’s where the true Enemy is, you gotta keep the Theater of Operations known as Your Mouth spic and span, boys and girls, I am not kidding about this, you think this is some sorta Tangent, like I’m veering off the Prepared Remarks, but I am totally on point with this message, serious as a Heart Attack: keep those choppers clean, that’s where the true Enemy is, man. You gotta keep the Theater of Perations known as your Mouth spic and motherfucking span, ladies and gentls, I am not kidding about this. I am as serious as a heart attack, keep those choppers clean.

And if the toofuses are clean, generally you will have good breath, and Out Here in the day-to-day? It’s all about your breath, and that goes a long way in that Job Interview, do you understand what I am saying here, Young Men and Women of the America? Yeah, they talk about how if you are good looking you get a lotta things in Life handed to you, but I am here as a Paid Representative of what is Real, and I don’t care how hot you are, if you have the Dragon dwelling back there in your speak-hole, Halitosis, whatever you wanna call it, Stank Bref, The ‘zacklys, if you have that going on, nobody will be hiring you any time soon, except maybe for some Customer Assistance Help Desk Line stuff on the phone maybe, and you better hope they have individual headsets because if you’re on a regular phone, whoever comes on shift after you is going to bitch about how the instrument smells, please listen to me on this.

So anyway, after I brush my teeth I knock down three or four of those ROLAIDS-TUMS-type antacids because I have the Acid Reflux, but I have a handle on it, I got the prescription stuff that inhibits my Proton Pump or some bizarro Science Fiction thing like that but I just do this to make sure, because I tend to eat late after the bars close, you know? OK, so you will be working in Food Service, this is what I’m trying to get to, don’t be afraid of it, and don’t give me that crap about how can you work in Food Service if you hate People, that’s where all the really good maître d’hôtels come from, seriously, you have to have genuine Contempt for human beings to be a good maître d’, and if you’re going to be a waiter, don’t be a friendly waiter, think about this because they did not teach you this in your stupid-ass College, people don’t tip their friends as much as they tip strangers, be a pro, keep your distance, focus on Customer Service, pay attention to keeping my water glass filled at the table because I am dealing with this Acid Reflux like a lot of other Americans, nobody’s paying attention to the depletion of our Precious Bodily Fluids, there’s too much soda pop and coffee and booze and stuff and it’s fucking up our electrolytes and corroding the National Stomach, so when you see me at your table at the restaurant where you will soon be employed, just top off that fucking water glass and we’re straight. Thank you.

Mr. Wrong can instruct you via many medias.