Five Advisory Opinions for Men in Summer, from Head to Toe

Hi. Guess what I’m wearing right now? That’s right. Shorts. It’s hot out! And it’s after Memorial Day. Everything changes now!

And so, five quick guidelines for summer dressing — from head to toe. All over your body, as the poet sang.

I Will Pimp the Cotton Industry

Cotton suits, cotton suits. It takes a real grown-up man to manage linen and other summer suits. They can feel like too much. (Poplin is easier.) But a mellow cotton suit, anyone can handle this. They don’t even feel too suity! We live in a time of tight-cut, super-fussy suits, but in summer, the casual suit and the sack suit is your friend! You can basically wear a plain schlumpy blue cotton suit three days a week.

And the summer suit is cheap.

White Shoes at Night, Sailor’s Delight

It feels weird to wear white at night! It seems wrong. But no, it is not: think of the magical hues of white flowers in twilight and evening, glowing and reflecting all the deep blues and darks of the coming night. Also you’ll stand out and therefore be more likely to pick up chicks. So it’s not wrong! White shoes or pants or shirts at night actually look fantastic. But what is wrong-ish is…

Shorts after Twilight? Not a Highlight

I mean if you’re schlepping down to the taco shack or lobster stand, of course, shorts it up. But the magical day/evening lighting mirror (are you too young to know what I’m talking about? There used to be a TV ad for a product that had different lighting settings for day and night makeup! I’m really sorry about this aside!) doesn’t do much for your night-time exposed legs in the city. Also then you end up in that weird position where you’re in an air-conditioned restaurant or movie theater, wearing a sweater or a jacket over your whatever, and shorts on the bottom, and then you look like a freak.

In an ideal world we’d all have permanent gym lockers scattered throughout the city, with emergency pants in them, but basically you need a staff to pull that off. (Similarly with keeping evening pants in your car.)

So this is a goal, not a rule. It can’t always be done. I feel you.

You’re Burning Up in Here

So, we all pretty much wear sunscreen now, right? It’s kind of terrible. I don’t like the way it feels. But also being outside in the sun will kill you and it’s worth it. (Pro tip: La Roche-Posay Anthelios with Mexoryl.) But also there are… hats.

Hats are hard! Baseball hats can make you look like an off-duty cop or a lazy dad. A fedora can make you look pretentious. A trilby or a boater may make you look like the worst possible sort of Brooklyn tosser. An ascot cap may make you look like a newsie or a man who is tired of going bald. A bucket hat may make you look like a lady; a kolpik will make you look like a Satmar.

The solution: every man must try on hats endlessly until he finds one that does not make him look horrible. There is no shortcut.

I look terrible in hats. Once I found a small woven lampshade that looked really good on me, and I wore it for three full summers until it deteriorated. That’s probably not a good idea but really I look terrible in hats.

Can You See Your Toes? Do You Think They’re Even Remotely Gross?

Lots of times you may be wearing sandals. That is… okay. Although you will realize, if you live in a large city, that there is a certain “picking up filth” quotient, so, maybe think twice? But what about the filth you’re bringing out with you? Because if you think your feet slightly nasty, the rest of us think they’re horrendous. This topic has been hashed to death, so here’s the short version: NBA players get pedicures, so can you. Every two weeks until summer is over. It’s like $12 in a big city. (Round it up to $20 with the tip, bro.)

I cannot even count how many harrowing sets of man-feet I see each summer. This is one of those things that not only do ladies notice but your guy friends notice this. Also, just tell them “no polish.” Because lots of times they will ask or worse not ask. And the last thing you want is (finally!) nice-looking feet with glossy, shiny toes. Well that’s the second-last thing you want. The last thing you want is us looking at you, then looking at your feet, and turning away in horror.

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