White House Finally Bows To Astrologer's Demands!

Barack Hussein Obama II has finally released his birth certificate (PDF), in order to quiet demands for his official birth time from the nation’s well-funded lobby of astrologers. “It’s about time,” said the victorious president of the American Federation of Astrologers. “Now we as a country can move on, secure in the knowledge of the innermost workings of our leader.”

“What’s the time difference to Hawaii again for 1961?” said astrologer Rob Brezsny. “Ugh, math!”

The president, a Leo, had proved confounding to astrologers due to inability to confirm his birth time, arousing great suspicion. None could be reached for thorough comment on the meaning of his birth time. “I don’t have time to talk, I am frantically redoing charts!” said Susan Miller, of Astrology Zone. “Oh God, look at his cadent houses. Uh oh.”