That Can Be Our Next Headline: 21 Perfect Stories by The Machines

by Matt Langer

Using the vital new technology of That Can Be My Next Tweet, which “generates your future tweets based on the DNA of your existing messages,” it’s easy to discover what should come next in this very space, by analyzing our own Twitter feed.

21 How Pot Makes Gays Feel Better About ‘The Pale King’

20 Darkness Falls Across The Mona Lisa: Astrologist Susan Miller Advice Column Pivot

19 Local Gay Caveman Would Be National Paper’s Last Pageview

18 Eddie Murphy Just Wanted To Ignore LCD Soundsystem’s Reunion

17 ‘Vanity Fair’ Really Is a Bikini Brawl Video Made As A Guide To Richmond, VA, Circa ‘93

16 Only 14 People More Stupid Than Libyan College Admissions

15 Maybe Insider Trading Is Where You Take A 6″ Into Your New Donkey?

14 A Look at the Apocalypse: Confusing Bob Dylan Lady Blames Wall Street Bathroom

13 Baby Bears Cuddle Willie Nelson, Gay Suffers In My Satur Farms Salad Box

12 Being High Makes You Like Italians Acting Like Hitler.

11 An Interview With The First Extrasexual: Digging Up British Doody

10 Remembering Indiana: I Can’t Believe They Take In Taints

9 It’s Time to Have Casual Sex With Lottery Winners, Part 2: Hot Boyfriend With Drugs!

8 The Bill Hicks Story Looks Like Gayest Fashion Ad Ever

7 Anatomy Of Birthday Pepperoni: Latest Sasha Grey YouTube

6 Freedom Fighters! Obama, Reagan, History of Family Planning

5 Consider The Rabbits, Germany: If You Accidentally Live in Texas ‘Hanna’ is Confusing

4 Serious Existentialist ‘Tsunami Dog’ Is The End Of History!

3 Oh, Now Your Bird Feeder Gives You Cancer?

2 Donkey Saves College Basketball From The New Barter Economy: A Poll.

1 Banks Still Don’t Do Our Elected Officials After TARP

Matt Langer has a beard, a single-speed bicycle and lives in North Brooklyn.