Number 6 Tears
Oh my. You have to feel for Miami Heat soon-to-be-former coach Eric Spoelstra. He’s been a calming influence during what has been a relatively tumultuous, but successful, season. He’s managed to help LeBron and LeDwyane from trying to split the ball with an axe, and has keep a relatively unhealthy team winning a high percentage of their games. Then on Sunday, after losing to yet another talented, balanced squad, this time the Chicago Bulls, he told a group of reporters that the players were back in the locker room crying like little babies, which no doubt they were. (He has subsequently amended that statement to say he noticed “glossy eyes,” which sounds like a weird makeup-y term.) Except you don’t do that. Ever. You never project your weaknesses to your opponents. By now it’s painfully obvious to everyone that the Heat have trouble playing against good teams, which is a little more than an Achilles heel; it’s more like an Achilles torso. When the playoffs start, it will be their opponents that’ll be talking the smack. And now that the coach has launched “Crybabygate,” he would do well to start packing his belongings up. Like, yesterday. (No, seriously, yesterday.) The circus is about to hit town. Now, weeping signs will be ubiquitous on the road; people will outfit their babies with Heat onesies, and at the end of games, cameras will slowly pan the team bench looking for signs of waterworks. Good thing, half of the team is fossilized and unable to produce any human tears.
So, here’s my prediction: By the end of this month, team president Pat Riley will become head coach again because only someone with that much ego and authority can get the guys to play together. At least that’s what the newspapers will say. The reality is NBA teams cannot win with two-and-a-half men. And Mike Miller and the ghost of Mike Bibby. When the Heat doesn’t win this season, “unnamed team officials” whose names rhyme with “Matt Miley” will claim that he needed more time to help the team gel, uh, jell and he’ll be back in 2011–2012. Expect player defections to begin two seasons hence, when the Big Three all have contract “outs.”
But enough about the Heat: I’d really rather continue my tour around the NBA and talk about the Central division, which was decimated in July by LeBron James’s defection. Last season, its most pressing issue was if King James would have enough steam left, after pounding the four other teams, to beat the Celtics. We all know how that turned out.
This season, the Bulls have become a powerhouse before our very (and LeBron’s teary) eyes and yet, although Derrick Rose is playing like an MVP, people wouldn’t exactly begin speaking in tongues if they flame out in the first round of the playoffs. As far as the other four teams go, if there was a Venn diagram of their relationship to the Bulls, it would resemble the four interlocked toilet seats.
Chicago (42–18)
I know people are on the Bulls’ jocks and feel like they could be the team to come out of the Eastern Conference. I could easily see that happening. On paper, the team is deeper, talent-wise, than anyone else. Derrick Rose is playing like an MVP… in a year when the bar is set chest-high. He’s an offensive powerhouse, but scoring point guards have a way of being contained in the playoffs, when opponents put that hyper, no-score small forward on them. What will protect against that is the Bulls do almost everything else well, too: Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah are athletic and strong — with Boozer scoring more and Noah rebounding with greater frequency and hard-fouling with élan. Luol Deng is impossible to stop when he’s playing confidently; Kyle Korver hits 43% of his treys and 87% of his free throws and Kurt Thomas still has the crazy googly eyes that can hypnotize opponents. I can see them winning it all, sure, but they are relatively inexperienced (and with a rookie coach in Tom Thibodeau, to boot) and so, if the Celtics or Magic end up working them, I wouldn’t be shocked.
Indiana (27–35)
Jeff Foster is still in the NBA? Amazing. He should host an infomercial about the secret of longevity because he’s obviously figured something out. Good thing he’s not one of the Pacers more useful players. (As you can see, I’m stretching here, while I acquaint myself with their roster. Should only be a minute more.) Still, the guy plays 18 minutes a night and that’s all you need to know about the team. Danny Granger is the team’s focal point on offense and Darren Collison and Roy Hibbert are growing the kinds of NBA players that other NBA players mention prior to games, but their development won’t happen quickly enough to make a difference this year, or next, or the one after that. They’re good enough to beat the crappiest teams, but they only halve the games versus the middle 15. Like Mike Dunleavy Jr. himself, that’s not good enough. Playoffs? PLAYOFFS? No playoffs.
Milwaukee (23–37)
Brandon Jennings cannot be expected to play 33 minutes a game, and yet there he is dragging his perpetually healing bones for that amount every night. It’s a curious enough development since the team has had, over the course of the season, 14 guys who have averaged 10 minutes a game. Andrew Bogut’s low double-double average is as much as can be expected from him, after that injury last season, where just about every part of his body ended up bruised and broken. If the Bucks were in the Western Conference they’d be the Cavaliers. Right now, they’re just helping Milwaukeeans kill time before the sausage races heat up again in April.
Detroit (22–41)
When Phil Jackson, a guy who has kneecapped more than a few opposing coaches in his lifetime sticks up for you, things must be pretty bad. And they were for Pistons coach John Kuester, a poor sap trying to guide a weak team of malcontents through a miserable season. Not sure when Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince became so disenchanted with making millions, but it’s time for Joe Dumars to blow this team up (and probably Tracy McGrady) and start fresh. If they win 25 games next season I’ll be shocked. Is this tour through the Central over yet? I’m becoming lightheaded.
Cleveland (12–49)
If the Cavaliers hadn’t recently beaten the Knicks on consecutive Fridays, I would express pity for them. But… oh, what the hell. They deserve better than what they have. Sure, they’ll win a few more games with Baron Davis at the point, but realistically, they just lost the best player in the game and the combination of Gibson, Jamison, Hickson and Sessions isn’t good enough to win at Pros vs. Joes. It’s going to take five years, minimum, for them to warrant any attention. Unless that crazy owner has another meltdown. Then they’ll get attention. Just not wins.
Tony Gervino is a New York City-based editor and writer obsessed with honing his bio to make him sound quirky. He can also be found here.