Way Out West
Kobe Bryant won the Most Valuable Player award at last weekend’s NBA All-Star game in Los Angeles, which had all the suspense of an episode of “iCarly”. This was the marquee player on the NBA’s marquee team winning an award on his team’s home court. If Kevin Durant had scored a few more points during the 3rd quarter, someone from the NBA would’ve probably gone all Tonya Harding on him during a fourth-quarter timeout. For everyone’s sake No. 8 had to win. All you needed to know about the suspense was written on the faces of his teammates, who had to stand there for 180 seconds while Commissioner David Stern handed the trophy to Kobe while Bryant projected the practiced look of a kid who was given pajamas for Christmas.
But now that those festivities are over — and they were, as a whole, corny as hell, with an inordinate amount of children involved — it’s time to turn our gaze back to the teams that may nor may not be readying themselves for the playoffs. The Lakers will be in it and may win it, the Clippers and Kings have a better chance to triumph in “Dancing with the Stars” and the Phoenix Suns are undergoing a procedure called “Dismantling Lite,” which isn’t exactly painful — except if you pay to watch them play or are the Phoenix Gorilla and have anger issues.
Los Angeles Lakers (38–19)
Kobe has logged a lot of miles over his career — with his teams playing well into May and June every season — and on alternating nights this season he looks plumb worn out. Pau Gasol, so valuable the past two campaigns, seems distracted and bored many nights, unable to elevate the team; Ron Artest is still mental-patient crazy and Andrew Bynum only occasionally makes the connection between fitness and health.
The Lakers added Matt Barnes who, really, has sucked his way off of more teams than I have fingers, but he does provide defensive intensity and toughness necessary to make Manu Ginobli feel his flops. Lamar Odom can still get it done when sufficiently motivated, which is about half the time. But, as Kobe reminded us after he was finished dismantling the Knicks a few weeks ago, they have done it before and they can do it again. Sure they played atrociously against the Cavaliers a week ago, gifting that city in a way that their own prodigal son didn’t have the mercy to offer. But they will make it to the Western Conference Finals, no doubt in my mind. Now whether they will beat the bloodless Star Trek cast-looking San Antonio Spurs or the “bad motherfuckers” Oklahoma City Hillbillies is another story.
Phoenix Suns (27–27)
Steve Nash without Amar’e Stoudemire to finish his passes is still better than ⅔ of the point guards out there, but there are a growing number every day that blow by him. Still, what he lacks in the ability to prevent opposing point guards from running their teams’ offenses, he makes up for with his leadership and clutch shooting. Along with a pair of former “next Jordan” guys, in Grant Hill and Vince Carter (yes, they’re both still playing — I know, I know, news to me, too), a recovering “French Jordan” in Mickael Pietrus and two versatile, young big men in Channing Frye and Robin Lopez, there is enough talent for the team to win half its games, but not a series. Personally, I’d trade Nash for picks and give Marcin Gortat a chance to start and then focus on rebuilding for a post Duncan, post-Kobe era.
Golden State (26–29)
Several years ago I visited the Warriors team offices, which were located in a downtown Marriott Hotel. I remember choking back crocodile tears as I listened to whatever transitory coach gave a spiel about how his team would matter, all while thinking: I wonder if I can get a turkey club sent up? Knicks fans howled when the team let David Lee go and they probably shouldn’t have; his 16 and 9 are probably closer to his true talent than his 20-and-12 Knicks numbers. The Warriors do have Monta Ellis and Stephen Curry, both of whom are entertaining to watch and keep games closer than they probably should be. And then there are about 9 guys who score, like, 6 points apiece. Good teams have 5 DNPs a game, while the Warriors are more like wheelchair basketball: everybody gets some run. In case you’re wondering, which you aren’t, that’s no way to win in the NBA.
Los Angeles Clippers (21–35)
Yeah, Blake Griffin is a great dunker and makes for an amazing ten-second clip on “Sports Center.” Unfortunately, there are another 47 minutes and 50 seconds per Clippers game, and most of them are dogcrap. You can scarcely blame the players, who play with the cohesiveness of a wrestling battle royal. Owner Donald Sterling has a stated goal and it has nothing to do with winning games and everything to do with making money.
Unfortunately, he does neither, but he still refuses to relinquish control, or to hire a coach and let him do his job. Rather, he lets overweight point guards, trigger happy 2s and 3s and a revolving cast of big, slow gingers run around, making millions while entertaining Billy Crystal and Jessica Alba. If there is an NBA franchise that most closely resembles the Washington Generals, this it.
Sacramento Kings (13–40)
They had their chance. Sure it was a decade ago, but they had the team and should’ve won back-to-back NBA championships. Bibby, C-Webb, Divac, Stojaković — those were some loaded squads. If it weren’t for Robert Horry and some of the worst officiating in NBA history, they would’ve made their owners, the McDoof brothers, much more famous than for being the guys who own the “Real World: Las Vegas” hotel and a cramped, formerly loud arena.
Today’s news that Anaheim may be inquiring about adopting the Kings should come as no surprise. Sacramento is a pretty depressing place. Still, Demarcus Cousins, who acts quite like a dick, Tyreke Evans, Beno Udrih and Carl Landry are pretty decent, the team doesn’t have that go-to guy at the end of games, despite what Cousins may say. And, on most nights, they aren’t going to beat the top 7 teams in either conference. In fact, they are barely going to beat the Nets, even after the Timofey Mozgov era begins later this week, ESPN’s sources tell me.
Tony Gervino is a New York City-based editor and writer obsessed with honing his bio to make him sound quirky. He can also be found here.